can't silence my love

overwhelmed

2011-06-30T10:46:00.000-04:00

June 23, 2011
I sat on the ground with 5 bodies huddled around me. Each smile and laugh unique to a beautiful child with an incredible heart. I’m not a “children’s ministry” person. Shocking that what I felt God leading me to this summer was an orphanage 8500 miles from my home, family, and friends. I’ve learned a lot since being here—God has pushed and pulled me like a piece of taffy in order to mold me into something I thought I couldn’t be.
The truth is, kids are exhausting, no matter where you are. They poop, the hit each other, the make obnoxious noise and sometimes they’re just downright annoying. Patience has become my song. I’m not too good at it, but I’m learning. Today I spent my day at the second house—I live at the first house where most of the kids are housed. I go to the other house Tuesdays and Thursdays to read a Bible story and to do Bible study with the Tias. I’ve come to the realization that God knows exactly what we need even when we have no idea what we need (or want). I sat in a chair outside as the kids began to run around and all of a sudden I feel little fingers underneath my hand. There, in front of me, stands Felipe. A beautiful 3 year old boy with the cutest voice in the world. He says to me—“carregare!” or “pick me up!” Who could resist?
Felipe sat in my lap for a good half an hour and if I didn’t need to stand up, I’m sure he would have been there longer. I asked every few minutes if he wanted to play but he said no and resumed his position—head on my chest, arms wrapped around my waist. Every now and then he’d look up and give me a kiss on the cheek. It’s hard for me to believe that Felipe needed to sit on my lap, or that he really wanted to be there. I, of course, LOVED having him sit there. I found myself thinking—God knows I just need a hug right now, I just need to have this kid sit in my lap and lay his head on my chest. God knows that Felipe needed me to cuddle with him. As simple as that is, and as lame as it may sound, it was a peaceful, beautiful moment.
Later, we took the kids for a walk around the block to just take a peek outside of their corner of the house. Dancing and laughter literally filled the street as we walked around. Every second was full of questions—“what’s that? who’s car is that? where are we going?” Danny, another ridiculously adorable 3 year old ran to me and wrapped his hand around my finger as we walked. Yet again I was filled with peace and love—the kind that can only come from God through a 3 year old .
I’m overwhelmed. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I want to be anything else. Rika says that when you’re overwhelmed that’s when you learn to let God be in complete control—because you clearly can’t be. I’m learning to live overwhelmed—in every way. Overwhelmed by God’s grace, peace, love and gifts to me and overwhelmed by His presence in this place and in my life. This is the way to live—to be so immersed in Him that there is no other way to live. To see life as a challenge in which the only way we can get through is to have God lead the way. I can tell you that prior to coming to Mozambique my life was fueled by trying to perform, impress, and succeed on my own. Whether it was to boast, to gain some kind of image, or to make someone proud of me, it was not the way to live. Here’s the deal: you’re never going to be perfect. You’re going to disappoint someone at some point. You can’t do everything, and you certainly can’t do it alone. My life—and I think most of our lives—are full of aspirations to do our best for the glory of ourselves. Take a second and think about what you did this past week that really brought glory to God and was not primarily for your benefit.
Living overwhelmed means that everything you do goes to the glory of God because there is absolutely no way you could do it on your own. No. way. My lesson: I’m not a children’s ministry person, yet here I am, at an orphanage with all sorts of crazy kids and yet God is being glorified. Kids are getting their cuddle time, and I’m learning to love them the way Jesus does. There isn’t any other explanation for it than to say that Jesus is King, and He has a plan for each of us.
Another thing I’ve been overwhelmed by is the disicipleship that we’ve started. I work with the Tias during nap time. We’re reading through the book of James. The church here is mostly the “health and wealth” gospel which distorts the truth. As we’ve begun reading, I’ve seen God show me how to explain being a servant, showing what it means to have faith through a storm, and what we really need to look at when we go through trials. It’s difficult to minister to women who are twice your age, and have had MUCH more difficult lives. Yet, I’m being ministered to through hearing their stories. It has taken a little while, but today I finally started to learn a little bit about each woman. Abandonment, doubt, separation, loneliness, and loss have characterized most of their lives and yet, here they are. Beautiful, incredible women. I was so thankful for them today.
I’ve found my place here. It’s taken a little while to figure out what I’m doing, and what kind of impact I’m going to make and what I can practically do to minister—but I’ve let that go. Who cares?! Jesus just wants to spend time with us. That’s all he wants. God doesn’t care about my ministry. God cares about me. God cares about you. When we see that and when we learn to care for each other and become overwhelmed with His love for us we see His hands at work.
Nothing I do will “make an impact”. It’s Jesus that makes the impact. Be overwhelmed by that.

Father's Day

2011-06-20T07:26:00.001-04:00

June 19, 2011
Fathers Day.
Today was children’s church. Last year we did house church with the adults, but this year the Boersma’s have felt that God has called them to be ministering to the children. Church is for the kids. We started off the morning with singing and an assortment of instruments that the kids played. Following some incredible rhythms and voices was an activity meant to help the kids learn about prayer.
Each child was given a piece of paper with a drawing of a kid praying and a thinking bubble above the kid. They were instructed to color what they wanted to pray for—it could be one of the tias, their friends, a new house, whatever they wanted.
As we finished each child gave their prayer requests. Some were for a new house, some were for their friends or family that they missed or couldn’t find (some of these kids are lost), and others were for the tias and Papa Pieter and Mama Rika. Pieter gave a short lesson on how we can pray and why we pray. We should pray for the Holy Spirit in our lives and that Jesus will always be with us. It doesn’t matter where we pray or how we pray, God hears us.
After the lesson, one of the girls, Aida, came to Rika and said, “I want to go home.” She gave a list of information—her parent’s names, an aunt’s name, her school’s name, which neighborhood she lived in—and said she wanted to go home today. Aida has been at All Nations for a year and a half. It takes kids a long time to process when they get lost. At one point last year Aida had told Rika that she never wanted to go home. Today, she gave all this information. Something in the message this morning clicked in her mind. It was time to go home.
All the children that are here are not here by choice. They are either abandoned or lost or given over by social welfare. Some of them don’t know where they came from. Others forget and then remember. Some will be here for life, and others will be adopted. God has a plan for each one.
The thing is none of us did anything to get Aida to explain where she was from or what her house looked like or who her parents were. God spoke to her, and in her heart she finally felt ready to say she wanted to return home. Most parents give up on finding their lost children—they’re either dead or have been sold into the sex trade. To get a child back after a year and a half is a miracle. Rika and Pieter have seen it happen a couple times and the families are full of joy. God does something in each of our hearts when something happens like this. I see God being a master planner, a healer, and a gift giver. Who knows how God touched Aida, but she’s ready to go home.
The plan now is to get in touch with her family and hopefully they will be there. I’m overwhelmed by how great God is and how much He loves each one of us.
Each night I make myself dinner and hang out with the Boersmas while the kids are taking baths/watching a movie/falling asleep. From time to time I’ll head downstairs to hang out with the kids. I usually go down to give them a kiss goodnight too. Tonight I went to hang out with them while they were watching Barney.
Joao, who was brand new when I was here last year, was sitting quietly in his chair when he fell out and bumped his teeth. I picked him up. Joao is an interesting kid. He’s probably around 2, and very quiet. He doesn’t really play with the other kids and almost never smiles. He hangs out in the kitchen while everybody else is playing outside and he will NEVER stop crying when Mama Gloria (one of the tias) is around. Mama Gloria isn’t around on the weekends, but you never hear Joao crying then. Since the last time I was here it looked as though Joao had made no emotional progress whatsoever. It is rare when his face is not drenched in tears. So, as per usual, he was crying again. I don’t know why, but this time he let me pick him up. Usually he doesn’t want anybody to touch him. I picked him up and I brought him upstairs.
The upstairs of the orphanage is home to the Boersmas, so most of the kids are not allowed upstairs unless they’re called up or brought up. It’s a real treat to have time upstairs.
I brought Joao into the family room where Pieter, Rika, and Pedro were playing Catan. I gave Joao some stacking rings and a squeaky turtle to play with. He stopped crying and all of a sudden was stacking rings. I started to play with him. A smile grew. Then laughter. Then he started to share the toys with me. We made lots of noise together.
Sometimes all we need is a hug or someone to play with. With kids, attention is such a necessity and Joao’s attitude completely changed with some one-on-one time. Finally he started to get antsy and I asked him if he was ready to go to bed. With a smile on his face, he shook his head “Yes”. We walked downstairs, and I tucked him in. He closed his eyes with that smile still on his face.
God is good. All the time.

children's day and others

2011-06-12T14:12:00.003-04:00

unfortunately, i might not actually be able to post pictures. it's difficult to upload them because of the internet connection. will try again another day. :(

growing up is hard to do.

2011-06-12T13:53:00.002-04:00

this is actually from june 2, because it's hard to get internet around here and i get really really busy. but pictures and further updates will follow. i promise.

June 2, 2011
Growing Up is Hard to Do.
On Saturday we left Mozambique to go to South Africa for a monthly supply trip. Sunday morning we went shopping for some supplies and I tried to get money out but wasn’t able to. My travel card had been rejected at each ATM. Frustration had set in. We got to one last ATM and I put my card in only to have the machine freeze on me with the card inside . My only form of money had just been lost. I fell against the ATM machine and half laughed and half cried. One thing after another it seems here. God is always good though and things always work out for our good. I started to pray. New thing for me. I pray a lot but now it seems that I’m praying “without ceasing”. After several minutes on the phone with the bank who owned the ATM they said they could come the next day but at that point my card would be gone and I would be without money for the rest of the summer.
Rika (one of the missionaries I’m staying with) ended up walking around the back/outside of the machines only to find people putting money in them. They pulled out my card with a little bit of begging. Hallelujah!!! After that and a very stressful 7:30 AM phone call to my parents to try and figure out what was wrong with my card we were back at Petra College (the hotel where we stayed).
I spent my afternoon and evening sort of arguing with Pieter (the other missionary) about theology and missions. To say that this guy shakes my faith a little is an understatement. I ended up questioning a lot of what I believed in and of course ended up in tears for the second time that day. Luckily their friend, Riet was there to listen to my concerns about mission work. Money right now has been my biggest concern. I’m not one to ask people for money—in fact, I really don’t like to ask people for money. A big lesson I’m learning here is that God provides. He really does. Let’s look at the past week here: airline misplaces my bag with my clothes in it, it was returned to me the next day with nothing missing; I lose my ATM card in a machine on a SUNDAY with no hope of getting it back or even getting money out, men happened to be putting money in the machine as I was crying to try and get my card out.
My fears are one thing I have to tackle here. I’m not really afraid of leaving my family or being in a strange place but rather doing it alone; I’m not afraid of doing the work that God has called me to do, but rather whether or not the work will be effective. I tend to be a people pleaser when it comes to missions and most other things. I don’t like to have people upset with me, but there’s a saying that Rika and I found on Monday morning: “I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look too promising.” God has a really good sense of humor. While I’m here I want to bless the missionaries and bless the children. It’s hard to do that when there’s so much to be done, I don’t speak the language and I can’t communicate properly with the kids. When something goes wrong I feel really guilty. Riet tried to work through some of that with me. Performance has been something God has been working on with me for a while. It’s been difficult to break.

Right now, I'm working through the things that have been most damaging in my life. It's hard to minister when you're in a place where you have nothing to give. Mozambique is one of the most spiritually dark places in the world--and I seem to have been stripped of everything that i used as a security blanket. Being emptied means being able to be filled again. I'm praying that I will be filled to overflow and that none of it will have my name on it.

pictures soon!

Arrived!

2011-05-27T07:47:00.000-04:00

The internet goes in and out so this is from the day I arrived. I'm trying to keep a daily journal to update you all, but sometimes i won't get online quick enough to post. Enjoy.

May 25, 2011

Weak Man

I left yesterday for Mozambique from DC at 2 in the afternoon. 3 and a half hours later I was on a plane to Johannesburg. 8 hours to Dakar, Senegal stop for an hour, 8 hours to Johannesburg. I don’t sleep on planes so it was a little rough. Luckily though, my mom had purchased the new book Heaven is For Real. I read through that on the first wave of plane rides.

I found myself stopping every couple of minutes and staring out the window. Sometimes I wish I was a kid again—something you never think you’ll say when you’re 10 years old. Having child-like faith is a great gift. The world has conditioned me to think that when you pray for something it’s conditional on what you’ve done for God lately, not that God will respond based on how much He loves us. Colton Burpo—a 4 year old who saw heaven for only 3 minutes—would pray to God and he would get his prayers answered. “I prayed for a rainbow yesterday. I’m glad it’s here today.” Sometimes I pray for things and they don’t get answered. Does that mean I don’t have a good dad? Of course not, he’s still a Dad. It’s like a kid in a grocery store wanting each candy bar they pass by. I’m sure Dad wants to spoil his kids rotten, but He knows what’s best, and 20 chocolate bars are not the best thing for a little kid. My problem is knowing which things are the candy bars and which things aren’t. But I guess I won’t know that. All in all though, the thing to remember is that God is good. All the time. All the time.

Each thing that we struggle through in life has a purpose. Each let down, each beautiful moment is a gift from God. A let down=a gift. We learn something through it; we become more mature Christians and able to endure further trials for the glory of the kingdom. Daniel wasn’t tossed into the lion’s den without a little persecution first. James says to rejoice in suffering. I don’t think it’s easy but I want to take that challenge.

Yesterday I arrived in Johannesburg at 10:30 AM our time. I went to the ticketing booth to pick-up my boarding pass for the final trek to Mozambique, an hour flight from Johannesburg. As I approached the ticket booth the officer behind the desk informed me that both of my bags were overweight and that I would need to pay the equivalent of 375 rand ($60) which is not what I was expecting at all! In fact, the one thing I’ve been most concerned about the past couple of days is my baggage. I’m carrying a lot of books for the kids at the orphanage among other things and books are not light. My mom and I measured the bags probably 20 times before I left making sure that each was under the limit so that I would avoid this problem. After no sleep, and what seemed like an unanswered prayer, I broke down at the ticket counter and just cried. I had no idea what to do. I have money, but to spend it on something like bags was not an ideal situation especially since both of my bags were under the weight limit in DC. God has a good sense of humor. A nice man behind me in line happened to be a professor at a school in Atlanta and heard the entire ordeal. I turned from the ticket counter with my boarding pass dreading having to meet the attendant at the gate to pay the 375 rand to get onto the plane with both of my checked bags, but the man stopped me. He informed me that he would speak to the attendant because that was not a rule, nor was it something that he’d ever seen before.

I arrived at the gate only to find another nice man who explained the same situation to me. Both guys found the ticketing officer and spoke to him very sternly about trying to trick me into paying money for bags that were supposed to arrive at my final destination—no questions asked. The poor officer came to me at the gate with the baggage tags and explained that he had fixed the weight on the bags so that they would arrive in Maputo with me. He wished me a good flight with a smile and went on his way. The two nice men made sure that I had all of my belongings and offered me everything you could imagine until I got to Mozambique. Praise the Lord!

Finally, after a delayed flight, I arrived at Mozambique’s airport only to have received one of my bags—and it was the one with just books in it. No clothes, no medication, and none of the gifts that I’d brought for the missionaries. Needless to say I was exhausted, cranky, and an emotionally stressed wreck. I got to the baggage office with tears streaming down my face. Trying to remember that one bag had arrived and at least I had that. I had been praying the whole flight for both bags to be there but something told me I wasn’t going to get both. Sure enough, that’s what happened. Poor Rika and a couple of others who had come to collect me at the airport had waited an hour and a half for me. I’m hoping that we can go back to the airport today and that my bag will be there.

Rejoice in suffering. Pray for rainbows and expect them to happen. Ticketing officials, nice men and lost baggage. Rejoice. God has a sense of humor and there’s something to be learned in this moment. Relying on God is a fun thing—you’ll always be cared for and always be surprised. Pray for me and for the Boersmas who are all ill this week. There’s so much to be done too. I love and miss you all already! J

Amy

quench the thirst.

2011-05-15T23:54:00.002-04:00

this comes from Compelled by Love by Heidi Baker. Page 134-136. This will blow your mind.

"I am the vessel. The draft is God's. And God is the thirsty one."--Dag Hammarskjold

'I know you through and through--I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you--even in your wanderings.

I know everyone of your problems. I know your need and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you--not for what you have or haven't done--I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image.

It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as you are, and I have shed My blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, my grace will touch all that needs changing in your life. I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart--I know your loneliness and all your hurts--the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations. I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love--how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures--and ending with even more pain. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thrist" (John 7:37). I will staisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I thirst for you. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe my love for you: I thirst for you. I thirst to love and to be loved by you--that is how precious you are to Me. I thirst for you. Come to Me and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds.

If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I thirst for you. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give Me your life--and I will prove to you how important you are to My heart.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life, there is one thing I want you to remember always, one thing that will never change: I thirst for you--just as you are. You don't need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day--standing at the door of your heart, and knocking.

Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross; look at My heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there--for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: "I thirst" (John 19:28). Yes, I thirst for you--as the rest of the Psalm verse, which I was praying says of Me: "I looked for love, and I found none" (Psalm 69:20).

All your life I have been looking for your love--I have never stopped seeking to love and be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit: "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake." Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock...Open to Me for I thirst for you.'

wrecked yet?

you are strong and you love me.

2011-05-13T19:31:00.003-04:00

sometimes i wonder about why we choose the things we do. why do we live the lives we do? as i reflect on the past year i have to ask myself why i chose certain things over others. why i chose to act certain ways and not others. there's not much i can do about the way i behaved, except learn from it.

confession time: i can honestly say that this year was not what i wanted it to be. as i read over these blog posts i see a girl who was radically changed. god's love was a fire in my heart--a desire to do good and to change the world. the problem was that my desire wasn't focused on the eyes of my father or the one who changed my heart. God can teach us wonderful things and give us wonderful gifts. and he has blessed me abundantly--even in my selfishness. this year was about me. me, me, me. what can i do to get an A, or to be friends with that person? what can i do to place top 8 in our conference. what can i do to lose 30 pounds? what can I do to change the world? answer: nothing. this realization that i am nothing without the power of god is a hard lesson to learn.

i can't blame anybody for the way my year went except myself. i've made some pretty rotten mistakes and gone through some pretty insane trials. swim didn't go the way i wanted, polo didn't go the way i wanted. my friendships suffered, my health really suffered. and yet, in the midst of it all God was there. arms wide open. somehow i thought that i could write a paper or swim a mile or make it through a class all by myself. wrong. here's the deal. we need God. in everything. in picking up a cup of coffee, in falling asleep at night, and in eating breakfast.

i haven't fully learned what it means to let the God of creation take over my life, but i'm captivated at the idea that God wants to do this. in my weakness, Christ is my strength. In my strength, Christ is my humility and the person who keeps me standing. when we're in the moment and everything is great it's hard to remember that we do not stand alone, and that our achievements are a gift and a blessing from a great Dad. i know i certainly forget those things.

i'm reading a book by Heidi Baker called Compelled by Love. this book will change your life. I got it for Christmas but i haven't been able to finish it because it's so powerful. I'm almost done, and each time i read it i'm drawn to tears. i want my life to be a reflection of Christ's love. can you look back on your day today and say that each thing you did, each action you took, each word that came out of your mouth was a reflection of Christ? i failed on that one. but God's grace is awesome and His mercies are new everyday.

this is my challenge: live life as love in action. each action each movement isn't to be made unless it's of God with a willingness to reflect His Son. I know i'm not perfect and I'll make mistakes--but what if we really did this as a body? what if our lives were a constant reflection of Christ? when people see me, my broken and bruised body, my achievements (or lack thereof), and my life, i want them to see Jesus.

christ's love is strong, and he loves us (as jon foreman constantly reminds me). pray that today each action we take would be a reflection of a merciful, beautiful and wonderful God. this broken world needs love. sometimes you may be the only reflection of that love that some see. let's change the world through love in action looking toward Christ.

"The work we do is nothing more that a means of transforming our love for Christ into something concrete. I didn't have to find Jesus. Jesus found me and chose me. A strong vocation is based on being possessed by Christ. He is the Life that I want to live. He is the Light that I want to radiate. He is the Love with which I want to love. He is the Joy that I want to share. He is the Peace that I want to sow. Jesus is everything to me. Without Him, I can do nothing."--Mother Teresa

be possessed by Christ.

best kids ever.

2010-07-31T23:50:00.000-04:00

sweetest thing

2010-07-31T23:20:00.004-04:00

1st picture=paulo. the troublemaker. don't let his innocent eyes fool you. this one loved to get into all kinds of things.
2nd picture=luis, the needy one. had an eye infection when i took the photo, but got better as the week progressed. he loved getting his picture taken.
3rd picture= quiteria, the diva. the pig costume was put on during playtime. she is a gem. a leader of sorts, making sure everybody is in their place.

4th picture=idine, the insisten one. 'COME!' was probably the only english word she knew, but it worked every time.

matthew 19:13-14--mozambique style.

2010-07-30T20:33:00.004-04:00

after 2 weeks in the most wonderful place in the world i have returned.

life is not what it was, and it will cease to be a mundane, rote experience. i'm sorry that i wasn't able to keep you all updated. i tried to write a blog but then was forced to unpublish due to electronic malfuntion at the internet cafe in mozambique.

i would give you a summary of what i experienced and saw in mozambique but i know i couldn't do it justice. i will say that what i've learned is very different than what i thought i would learn.

going out of my comfort zone to share jesus and serve others is something i know i was born to do. god has called me to be a missionary and i'm more sure of that now than i have been of anything in my life. i learned a lot about what that really means when i was with pieter and rika at all nations mozambique.

just a quick overview: all nations mozambique is located in matola, mozambique--just outside the capital of maputo. the once portuguese colony is poverty stricken and much of the destitute are the children. pieter and rika boersma head up an orphanage of sorts--2 houses that are full of children who have been abandoned, warring with AIDS and generally left to die. each house has between 10-20 kids all under the age of 6. they are fed, clothed, bathed, and they dare to dream of greater things than cleaning the front porch or begging on the streets.

enter: amy fleming. white. middle-class. grove city college student. no children or husband. loves jesus.

where do the dots connect? jesus. more than worlds apart, i found myself connecting more and more to these kids through the love of jesus. seeing him in each of those children. smiles and tears, laughter and games became the melody to my life for 2 weeks. i only wish it was longer. i went to serve, but really, jesus knew me better than that. i got served. i got served. the 4 year old with AIDS taught me more about life and loving the lord than any pastor, mentor, or friend that i've had. i thought i would help them, pray over them, ask for miracles of healing, and lives to be changed.

i got what i prayed for--but it came differently. i couldn't tell you if what i did for those kids did any of those things, but what they did for me answered all of those things.

Help--i've been looking to be a missionary since i was in high school. how do you do that? where do you go? who needs the most help? what would i do? here's what those kids taught me: "it doesn't matter. you don't need to know. Jesus gives us everything--and more. why wouldn't he give you what you need? why wouldn't he direct your path? would we be at this place if he weren't in control?" check. served.

prayer--"you go crying?" was the phrase i heard a lot on my last day in mozambique. yes, dear ones, i go crying. i prayed that god would work through me, that it wouldn't be about me but about them. and it was. "we cry for you." that was the response i heard after saying i would go crying. i feel as though the little i did--playing, cleaning diapers, singing songs, dancing, taking trips to the clinic, feeding--it didn't matter. it didn't matter what i did, but that i was there. i was present. that was enough. that was service to them. to be still, to listen to the birds, having 4 of them in my lap and looking at pictures of my family. that's where the service was done. but not for them. for me. love is a 2 way street. having 17 kids constantly want to sit in your lap and play bubbles is love to me. me doing it was love to them. but that's not what i thought service was. jesus knew better. check. served.

miracles of healing--i wanted to see kids cured of AIDS, and malaria disappear. those are wonderful things, and jesus heals. but that's not what he wanted me to see. he wanted me to see the daily grind, the miracle of life. the life led by 6 year old Telma with AIDS who jumps, runs, plays, smiles, and moves with ease. she lives. her life is a miracle. the life she lives is my miracle. god healed her of the devastation of living on her own, being by herself, not knowing his goodness. god healed and is healing all of those children--they are the miracle. disease does not define them. jesus does, and death has no place in them. they are the miracle. check. served.

lives changed?--i can't tell you if god working through me changed anybody's life, but i can tell you that those kids changed my life. check. served.

how blessed am i? going to serve, and instead, being served. the lord is working powerfully in that place. mozambique could be characterized as a dark, spiritual warzone, disease ridden and poverty stricken, but a ray of sunshine is growing in the All Nations orphanages in matola. "I'm not afraid for when Jesus comes back. I will go with Him. He is coming back." --Quiteria, 6 years.

Check. Served.

bon dia em mocambique

2010-07-15T08:12:00.002-04:00

bon dia!

i'm here, safe and sound in mozambique! i left on sunday from DC, arrived in Sao Paulo, Brazil on Monday morning. I spent the day in the airport in Brazil. Crazy experience to be all by yourself. God was awesome and I had some sweet Jesus time while I was waiting to fly to South Africa. I've met the nicest people while traveling. I was the first one to the gate at South African Airways--the airline didn't have anyone at their desk to take check boarding passes, but that might have been because i was about 8 hours early for the flight. I didn't get any sleep on the first flight and Sao Paulo's airport is not a good place to try to sleep.

While I was waiting I recognized some English...there were 2 women who were on their way to Kenya. We had a nice chat about what they were going to do (working with orphans for a non-profit, but not religiously affliated). Their boss gave them 80,000 miles each to volunteer for 2 weeks. How awesome is that?! They were nice enough to sit with me and talk about life for a while.

After I got my boarding pass for South Africa (about an hour before the actual flight) I sat with some guys from Angola who talked to me about Africa and life. I got to talk to them about Jesus, it was pretty sweet. They guy from Angola totally picked up on relationship vs. religion and I felt like he was really blessed. His name was Nico.

The flight to South Africa was super long and I didn't get any sleep. I sat next to Fernando--a Brazilian who was the kindest guy EVER. He showed me all kinds of things on the plane and described some differences about the African life vs. the Western life. He even gave me his card if I was ever in Sao Paulo to go and visit him. CRAZY! He prayed for me and everything. God's hands have seriously been on this trip. It's awesome.

I arrived in South Africa on the most beautiful morning--I saw more stars than I could ever have imagined and the sun shining. I can't describe the beauty in Africa. Something that you can't compare to.

The flight to Maputo was very short--only an hour. I met a guy who was an American traveling all over Africa and I also talked to him about Jesus. I prayed for moments like that. It was AWESOME. This was probably one of the first times I told somebody that I want to be the church and not go to church. He was pretty astonished but very accepting of the idea. He told me about how he grew up "hot-boxed" and since then has tried to find his way in other religions but holds his Bible in his backpack because "Jesus, he's a sweet dude." Yeah, that was my awesome flight.

Maputo is unlike anything I've ever seen before. You have huge buildings next to shanty-towns. Kids without shoes and women carrying babies permeate the metropolis. Pieter came to get me at the airport. When we drove to the orphange (which is a little outside the city) I thought I might die before I even got to the orphanage. The driving is like it is in Europe and it's as crazy as it is in Latin America. I probably almost peed my pants like 5 or 6 times.

We finally pulled into the house at mid-day on Tuesday. As we entered the driveway there were 20 kids who crowded the car to see the new visitor. I couldn't even open the door. When I finally got the chance to get out every limb of my body was covered with a hand or an arm. There was no free space. They all wanted a hug or a kiss. BEST GREETING EVERRRR!

Children in Mozambique are ridiculously precious. They have huge hearts but no one seems to want them. I do. They remind me so much of how we are with Jesus. They are the perfect example of open hearts to Christ. Constantly seeking love. I wish you could be here and see them. They are so wonderful and full of love. I think they are giving me more than I'm giving them.

There is much more to be said of Mozambique. The internet cafe only gives me about an hour--and my time is almost up. I will only give a short excerpt of the past couple of days--which have been extremely draining but rewarding.

Tuesday--we had a party for one of the kids who just turned 3. Probably one of the most precious moments of my life. They sang with each other and prayed together and he opened a present (a toy car and a football). We gave all the kids dolls that my mom made and they were overjoyed. It was amazing.

Wednesday--Woke up early and took the 6 year olds to school at 6 am. Told the kids a Jesus story--the one Meredith made me practice in front of the adults at SAMS. They sort of didn't understand even with translation. It's ok. They drew pictures. In the afternoon I went to the clinic with the women to pray for the newborns. They were so small. That was really rough. One of the babies had gone into shock and couldn't breathe. I prayed for him and God was totally healing him...more on that later.

Thursday--
Today I woke up at like 6 to go take 2 busses to the downtown area with 2 of our AIDS kids to get checked up. One of the kids who had just got reinserted into his family (some of the kids come from terrible families and when the family can provide for them they get the kids back but the Boersma's are still responsible for the child's health). This one child, Nichols, was just reinserted and we met him and his mom at the hospital to get checked up. Turns out he has malaria--along with AIDS. He looked awful. Apparently he had started getting a fever last Friday but the parents didn't think it was too big of a deal to take him to the doctor right away. That's how it is here...AIDS isn't seen as a huge deal neither is malaria. This poor kid. Usually you only last like 7-8 days with the Malaria without care...but he has AIDS. I had no idea what was going on until after we had left. I was praying for him silently while we were at the hospital but I'm praying that God will do a miracle. They might come back tonight to talk to Pieter and Rika about reinsertion and how it's going. Unfortunately when these kids get reinserted their health starts to dwindle. No surprise there. Children aren't allowed to have fun or do anything like that. I walked into the hospital and there was an empty playground but tons of kids sitting with moms. They didn't smile, talk, or do anything. They just sat. (an except from an email to my parents)

There's so much more but it's hard to sum up everything. I've seen a lot of fruit, especially with traveling. Prayer is becoming so important in this place. There's always something to pray for and always something to be thankful for. Today, we were offered a ride back to Matola from Maputo by an Indian man who saw that we couldn't get into a taxi. He worked for a Pepsi factory and drove us about 20 mins back to the orphanage. He gave us a package of Pepsi for the kids. Asked if I wanted to be taken around Maputo...we'll have to see about that...but he was such a nice man. The Boersma's (the missionaries) are starting to call me Pepsi now because they said taht it's unheard of for that to happen. In Mozambique you don't get anything for free.

God is awesome and he's totally blessing this place. Pray for us. Pray for Nichols.

Will try to update soon.

sour patch missionary

2010-07-07T22:12:00.004-04:00

Probably one of the most interesting things I'm learning this summer is how mistaken I've been about the world we live in. God has turned everything I've thought I've acquired quite upside down. Revelation has been my song. This week has brought even more of those challenges.

I can remember being a freshman in high school and thinking that the world was a mess, but totally redeemable. I will definitely stick by that statement as a now junior in college, but I will say that the way to that change I'd envisioned is seriously different than what I thought it might be. Our lives are becoming busier and busier. Our fears mount as we begin to understand the severity of the danger our sin has caused.

After a bit of reflection I've noticed that since coming here my eyes have been blown open. I am not the idealistic fifteen year old I used to be. The deeper I've gone down the rabbit hole to find the root of suffering in this generation the more problems I see. What is the solution? The world holds so much potential but we (and I am generalizing) don't seem to be up to the challenge to explore those possibilities. Where has our apostolic mission gone?

We have let the hurricane of fear, doubt, insecurity, money, comfortability and complacency rule us out of the world that God has told us to keep for Him. What are we doing? What are we spending our money on? Who have we let down? I am not fifteen years old. I realize there is much left to learn and that not everything is a one-stop fix-er-upper. You have to build relationship, bathe everything in prayer, and be in constant communion with Jesus. It is not by our will or our power that the world changes but rather by Christ in us.

Are we letting Christ work through us? Are we too afraid to let Him because it might take us farther from what we know? You are not your own. You were bought with a price. For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Live the words you read. Follow the Lord. Don't let fear rule you. We are all the idealistic 15 year old. The world holds that potential still. God is sweeping the nations. Why aren't we helping?

Today I was doing a lesson with Meredith on missions and what the world looks like today. The Sour-Patch Missionary.

I will hopefully post something else about this before I leave.

ambridge youth ignite.

2010-07-01T21:50:00.002-04:00

Since my last post I have been quite the busy bee.

I've spent a lot of my time working with the youth of Ambridge, PA, a town just outside of Pittsburgh. Although the town is simple and quaint, with a few urban rustics, the people in it are quite different. Here, childhood and urban scandal mesh with ease. I've spent the last week working at a sports and arts camp called Ambridge Youth Ignite which was started by a couple of JPers 7 years ago.

I worked with kids at a sports camp last year, but my experience was quite different. The kids were dropped off by their parents who would give them lunch, a kiss and a hug and say they would be back at 4 to take them home. Ambridge kids have a little less than that. Some walk a good ways to get to camp (which is on the side of the high school because that was the only place that could be donated for a non-profit) and don't see their parents until late at night. These kids come from unimaginable backgrounds--being tossed from foster home to foster home, watching parents spend more money on drugs than on groceries, and of course growing up without anyone giving a hoot about them. The point of Ambridge Youth Ignite is to allow these kids a safe environment to play in, and to grow with people who love them. The leaders are fully invested; there is no pay for an 8-4 shift and the kids aren't the easiest to work with.

I'm amazed by God's goodness everyday. I will not say that it's been easy or that I've seen too much fruit but God is faithful. I've seen improvement that I didn't think would be possible in 4 days. This week is basketball week. While I'm probably not the most skillful basketball player, I could probably shoot a hoop or two. These kids are amazing, but lack self-respect, self-esteem, and the nurturing relationships that would help these qualities blossom. We stand by, watch, and do our best to give helpful instruction and fun with drills and games. Some kids could care less about the games we plan or the drills we do, but others have started to see that there is a purpose to all of it. I come home everyday completely exhausted from watching and giving piggy-back rides and endless games of Knockout. It's worth it though.

Today as we rotated age groups (we split the 50 kids into age-groups of 6-7, 8-10, 11-13) and the older kids got to my station I decided to try something a little different. Usually we'd play some knockout or 2 on 2, but I figured we'd spice things up a bit. I've typically had a bad track record with the older kids. I butt heads with the older boys especially who give me that "I'm too good for this" attitude. If you know me, you know that I'm not one to back down, nor am I one to take that kind of disrespect. All in all, it has been a challenge for me to see where they're coming from and what kind of a place their attitudes have grown from. Anyway, today, I thought we should try some Steal the Bacon. Thank you Audrey Moore ReCenter and Fairfax County Park Authority for giving me some background in these kinds of games. I was shocked to see that the 16 thirteen-year olds that I had actually liked the game. They played for about 30 mins, which is a lot for them. They got excited and started cheering for their teammates and were engaged. Now, this probably doesn't sound too exciting to you. However, when all you hear is negativity, bad words, and complaints, this game was something even I was excited to play. It was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary place.

God smiled on those kids today. Watching them play showed me how I should be loving them and what God has actually been seeing all along--I just never took the time to look the right way.

Yet again, another life lesson from the eyes of the Beholder. You are wonderful, Father. Thank you for showing me how to love. Send your love in a visible and passionate way to those who have yet to understand what love can really be. They're desperate for a taste.

Pray for Ambridge. Pray for the youth. God is listening. And answering.

wake up child, it's your time to shine.

2010-06-20T13:39:00.002-04:00

blown. blown away.

To be honest, I thought Student CPx was just going to be another 2 week camp; get inspired, and then fall back into complacent normalcy. I can promise you that this is anything but normal. Prophetic evangelism, words of knowledge, healings, love. This is my normal. This is what I walk in. The love of the Father of all creation. The hardest part about blogging is that I'm not to sure how to convey what's going through my head or my heart. There's so much I want to tell everyone.

I want to give you guys some quotations from this morning's teaching by Erik Fish. It was pretty sweet. We did a talk on David and Goliath--a somewhat rote childhood story, but take a gander at these lavish words from a sweet Dad. It's funny, I thought today was Father's Day. A day to honor dads, my earthly and my heavenly father, but what I learned was more of a gift to me from my daddy. Here's what's up:

"Jesus never made a Christian."

"Christianity will tell you there are things you can't do; Jesus tells you that you can."

"Every move of God in history needs someone to relase it; speak, write, or sing."

"God is an artist who paints on a canvas without borders. The first canvas he creatred was a sphere."

"The Lord is into choosing those who have a 'fat chance'."

"Christians go to heaven, but disciples of Jesus change the world."

Probably my favorite of the day:

"If sinners don't like to hang out with you, you might not smell like Jesus."

There's so much I'd like to say, but my words would fall flat. If you want to know, and I mean really know, ask your Heavenly Papa to speak. He is who gives me all that I desire and pray for. He will show you.

I had an amazing night last night, just worshipping Jesus in a car on my way to Duquesne U. These lyrics totally encompass love to me. Thanks Jaeson Ma.

Love--Jaeson Ma

Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is.

But I'm a tell you what true love is.

Love is not what you see in the movies.

It's not the ecstasy, it's not what you see in that scene you know what I mean?

I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice.

Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself.

Love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love.

Love is when you lay down your life for another

Whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister.

It's even laying down your life for your enemies, that's unthinkable, but think about that.

Love is true. Think.

I'll put you in front of me

So everybody can see

My love, this is my love

I know that I'll be alright

As long as you are my guide

My love, this is my love.

Love is patient, love is kind

It does not envy, it does not boast

It is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs

You see, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres.

Love never fails. Love is everlasting

It's eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time

Love is the only thing that will last when you die

But ask the question why? Do you have love?

I'll put you in front of me

So everybody can see

My love, this is my love

I know that I'll be alright

As long as you are my guide

My love, this is my love

There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends

Now are you willing ot lay down your life for your friends?

You're probably willing to lay down your life for your mother, your father, or your best friends

But are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you?

I'm going to tell you who did that.

The definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love.

The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow

Hanging on a cross for your sin, my sins

That is love.

He died for you and me while we still hated him

That is love.

God is true love, and if you don't know this love

Now is the time to know, perfect love.

I'll put you in front of me

So everybody can see

My love, this is my love

I know that I'll be alright

As long as you are my guide

My love, this is my love.

This is my love.

Now, replace love with Jesus. Is your mind blown? Mine is.

encounter

2010-06-19T16:36:00.003-04:00

Today we went out onto the streets of southside and did a treasure hunt.

Treasure hunt? Yeah, that's right. Our group decided to split into groups of 2 and listen to the Lord and see who he wanted us to pray for. We jotted down some clues--bandana, nose ring, yellow shirt, waterfall, boyfriend, dad. These are just a few of the things that might have popped up. Then, we were sent to the streets. We looked for people who demonstrated these qualities and low and behold, Evan and I found our treasure--or rather, God's treasure. A lady who had on a yellow shirt, blue pants, was dealing with a boyfriend who's dad had died earlier this year. Tomorrow is Father's Day. We showed her that she was our treasure. We prayed some sweet blessings over her. I'm pretty sure she was blessed.

God is awesome. I can't tell you how many crazy things have happened in the course of this week. I've learned how to encounter the Lord, how to listen to Him, how to show His love for others, how to disciple, how to baptize, how to have communion with the most common of things, how to worship. My life has been wrecked.

I've seen the Lord work in crazy powerful ways in other countries, but I'm finally seeing fruit in the good old USA. What a blessing! I'm SO pumped to go back to school and see how our Father will work! Grove City is gonna get W-R-E-C-K-E-D this next year. God's gonna move like crazyyyy! My Dad loves me. He really does. And He REALLY loves you!

God. You are SO GOOOOOOD! I'm ready for the next season. Life couldn't be any better. :)

wrecked.

2010-06-15T22:25:00.004-04:00

Welcome to StudentCPX Southside, Pittsburgh.

It's hard to sum up the past few days at the Burning Bush HOP in Pittsburgh. Student CPX (Church Planting Experience) is a conference that lasts about 2 weeks and has a goal of making and discipling college students to learn how to have simple churches--a church outside of the normal four wall structure. I haven't been able to blog very much about this experience because of some internet issues, but now that I can, I don't even know where to begin.

I arrived last Thursday to Burning Bush House of Prayer in Southside and was greeted by a group of spirit-filled believers who immediately welcomed me into a community. The experience was something I'm not sure I could explain completely. Imagine walking into a house full of strangers and all of a sudden realizing that they are your brothers and sisters--like for real. Crazy? Yeah, but totally part of what God actually tells us about the body of Christ. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. I was welcomed home to a group of the most amazing people everrrrr!

We've done a lot since then, and I'm not sure I could sum up all of it. Let's just say that before this experience I would never have walked out onto a street and asked people about jesus or how they felt about god, or if I could pray for them. I might have thought about it--but I'm not sure I would have had the confidence or boldness to do so.

Since coming here, I've encountered Jesus. I've encountered the real guy. The real heavenly father, who isn't this distant man, but rather, my dad. A guy who would let me step on his feet while we dance through life together. A guy who will stand behind me so that when I fall he's right there to catch me--and most of all, someone who pursues me. A man who loves me. A GOD who loves me. Yeah. My prayer is that everyone sees him, and grows in relationship with him--because let me tell you, my life is SO in need of a guy like this. How did I ever think I could do this without him?

God is sweet. He loves me enough to make all the lights green when I'm late, gives me a body of brothers and sisters who encourage and pray for me, and he sends love in any and every way possible. Picking up the guitar for maybe the 3rd time in my life, and learning chords so quickly I can't process it. I am beyond blessed. This man who loves me despite all my shortcomings. What a guy!

We have been encountering the LIVING Father on the streets of the Southside--from healings, to prophetic ministry during an arts festival, to baptisms in a fountain at the burning bush, to communion with oatmeal. Now, that statement has probably freaked a lot of you out--how can you be friends with God? How can he let you have communion with oatmeal, or baptize people, or how is it even theologically ok for you to do that? My answer is this: God reaches people where they are--what happens if you're in the middle of the desert and you become a Christian, how do you get baptized? Can you go to a church and be immersed if you're in the middle of the desert and you have no water? Can you have communion if your culture doesn't have wine?

Here's what I'm learning--and there is a Biblical basis for all of these things--Jesus is real. He's not confined by our four walls or our boxes. He encounters us in our darkest, deepest places where we think nobody can find us. He showers His love on the unsuspecting. I am proud to call myself a follower, and I'm not afraid of man. I'm going to do what the great commission commanded. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

This is what I was made for. My purpose and destiny is love. God has created me to be a big fish--and I refuse to stay in the small bowl. Welcome to the new normal, kids. This is my Father and He has no restrictions on His love.

Don't misunderstand. I don't come to tear down theology or the church. I grew up there, and by the grace of God I was saved there. I'm talking about the way we reach the lost and how we bring the Kingdom of God. The Holy Spirit is present with us when we accept Jesus. I feel Him even now as I write this. I feel no qualms about what I'm being taught, or how countercultural it is. If we're really honest with ourselves we would recognize it too. Jesus WAS countercultural--he ate with prostitutes and tax collectors. This is who HE IS. So communion with oatmeal, and baptism in a creek doesn't bother me at all. Let's GO!

Profess the Lord God, let the Holy Spirit move through you and among your sphere of influence. Don't be afraid of man. Therefore, GO and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. And you will be blessed.

If you've got some questions, I've got some answers. I'm still learning a lot, but what I've learned I'm grateful for. AMEN.

need more info?

2010-06-05T23:38:00.005-04:00

After about an hour of reflection on my last post I realized that clarification might be needed. If you don't really understand what I'm talking about, that's ok. If you think I'm crazy and I've been brainwashed--don't worry. Jesus is still my Lord and Savior, He's awesome and does great things. If you want to know more, comment, leave an email address, mailing address, facebook, sonar, you know all normal modes of communication and I will do my best to explain what I'm talking about, what I've learned and where this movement is headed.

As for me, I'm not sure where God wants to fit me into this. I know Africa is a continent that's full of Islam. And that's where I'm headed.

If you need more info about Jesus in the Qur'an and if you're interested in attending the conference here's some more info--www.generationsalaam.com

Also, just another little tidbit of info. God knew I'd be geekin' out after learning all this stuff--and wouldn't you know, an Anglican priest happened to be at the table near us. I wrote down an entire page of questions as to the theological legitimacy of the program, the approach that was presented, and generally if he thought this was a good idea. After much explanation and discussion, it was clear. This is where it begins. What we do when we've entered the kingdom is up to God, and that has yet to be established--but this is the beginning.

Apprehension turns to excitement. God is moving. I've been watching the skies. They've been turning blood red. Not a doubt in my mind anymore; there's a storm up ahead.

Hello hurricane. :) You can't silence my love.

allah?

2010-06-05T21:13:00.010-04:00

As part of Josiah Project I was to attend a Jesus in the Qur'an seminar.

Pause. What?

Now, I could almost guarantee that most people reading this blog would say that Jesus in the Qur'an has to be an absolute contradiction in terms. That's like saying vegetarians for meat. Boy, was I wrong.

Thursday we finished sailing and hopped in the car to drive from Annapolis to Durham, NC (which is apparently halfway between there and Atlanta? yeah, look it up...) Anyway, we took a pitstop in the horrible DC traffic to visit my family for about half an hour. I loved it. Missed my cat mainly...you know, my family doesn't mean much...KIDDING. I love them. I won't lie, after leaving them I was a little uneasy about this whole Jesus in a Muslim book thing. Like, seriously, what the heck? I thought Muslims hate Christians, and for that matter Jesus. Despite the ensuing apprehensions I took a few naps, listened to some Hillsong and arrived in Durham for the night.

Yesterday, we traveled the rest of the way to Atlanta--stopping in Greenville, SC for lunch with a former JP "graduate". Pause the journey for a paragraph:

Tucker, the JP graduate, is an awesome man of God. Typically a meal doesn't make you an expert on a person. I wouldn't say I'm an expert on Tucker, but let's just say that I could see God working in his life to radically change others. What a testimony. He's working with some middle schoolers in Greenville for his second summer, and it looks like he's already furthering the kingdom. Actually, I know he's furthering the kingdom. I'm pumped for his ministry. Go for God!

We climbed back into the car with stuffed bellies and continued on to Atlanta. The seminar was being held at Grace Church in Snellville...yeah, Snellville. Google it if you don't believe me. Anyway, we arrived. At this point I'd been given a few pointers on the speaker--Jamie. He's incredible; he works in the Middle East spreading the Gospel to Muslims. And I'm like yeah, ok, cool. What does that even mean?

We walk in, and the first story he tells us completely blows my mind. A girl from a tiny Indonesian town, intelligent, but her school system is corrupted and will basically only give good grades to those who can pay for them. Jamie let her "visit" his international school classroom and learn as much as she could. She has no grades. He sent 5 letters to major universities to tell them about this girl--and to make a long story short, this girl gets a 100% scholarship and falls in love with Jesus. Now, in a Muslim culture--that's unheard of. Girls don't even go to school--let alone get a full ride to an American school. Yeah, crazy.

I'll do my best to give details about this conference without freaking anybody out or making any huge theological mistakes.

Basically here's the deal: The problem between Christians and Muslims will not be solved using bombs, bullets and blood. God isn't in the business of destroying. That's the devil's kingdom. God's in the business of loving and transforming.

I know nothing about the Qur'an. There, I admit it. Today, I got my first Qur'an. As I received the book I felt as though I was committing a HUGE sin. Like umm, this is not my book. I don't do this. I don't even want to open this, I don't want to know what this says--this is not truth. I'm sure you probably would react the same way.

You know, as I listened to these speakers--story after story of how they're reaching Muslims, I'm like hey, maybe the way I can reach Muslims is by reading this. Woah. Did I seriously just say that? What?! Pause. Did you ever notice how God does things? How did Joshua conquer Jericho? Strategically, let's think about this for a second. He used the band? Yeah, the band should go first and run around the city blowing their horns like 6 times you know--just because God says so. Umm, what? That's how this city is going to fall? You're nuts.

A HA! Yeah, this seems to be a recurring theme in the Bible. I'm God, and I'm going to BLOW your mind. I'm Jesus, I'm going to feed 5000 people with two fish and some loaves of bread from this little kid.

Now, just hear me out. This is what I'm seeing today. Hey, Amy, here's this book that you know isn't truth, you know isn't of me, you know that 1.57 billion people in world read this and believe it and think it's truth. How 'bout you read it.

What?

Here's the deal. God is unconventional. I'm not saying I'm a Muslim convert--and I'm not saying I'm going to go and convert all the Muslims to Christianity. Frankly, they don't even want to hear that. What they want to hear is that Jesus is the way to Heaven, because, well, that's the good news, right? The way to the Kingdom of Heaven is through Jesus alone. FYI, the Kingdom of Heaven (God) is mentioned over 100x in the New Testament. Christian is mentioned 3x, and Conversion is mentioned 7x. Food for thought.

Flipping through this completely foreign book--I see the name Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.He's mentioned more than 100 times in the Qur'an. What? Did you know Mary, the mother of Jesus is the only woman mentioned in the Qur'an? Yeah, I didn't. Ok, so how do Muslims and Christians talk without converting each other and without killing each other? How is that even doctrinally possible? See, like I said, the amazing thing is that God is unconventional.

The speakers basically use the Qur'an to point to Jesus--that Jesus is the common ground. The Bible is the inerrant, inspired word of God, and the Holy Books in the Islamic tradition include the Qur'an but also the Old and New Testaments. Muhammad specifically tells his followers that if they're good Muslims they will read ALL the Holy Books--the Bible is included. Muslims are coming to faith, and entering the Kingdom of God and getting saved by reading the Bible. Through conversion? No. Through Christians telling them they're infidels, they'll go to hell, they're wrong and Muhammad was a joke? NO. God meets them where they're at. Do you think God created 2 billion people to follow him, and that's all there is? Are you insane? What about the 1.57 billion people who see Jesus as a Messiah, the Mercy of God? Does God have a plan for them? How do they enter the Kingdom? Followers of Jesus meet them where they are, and show them the Kingdom in their own book. This is what the Qur'an says about Jesus. Look, he's in there, let's study the holy books together. Take a look at the Bible.

Is your mind blown yet? Is the hurricane underway? Yeah, it is for me too. Now, to tell you the truth, God spoke to me today. I felt my spirit shift in this morning's session. I won't lie it wasn't a good shift. My view of Muslims hasn't been negative really, but it also hasn't been positive. It's more of an impossible feat. I wanted to contradict every single thing that the speakers said. I wanted to say, if you're Muslim, by definition you can't be a follower of Jesus. That doesn't make sense to me. My heart broke at lunch. I was confused and frustrated. I cried. I want to reach the lost, and I want to share Jesus, but is this right? Are you sure?

Meredith took me out and just said, let's ask God to show you. What does God have to say about this. What are you to discern? God said this to me: Amy. You are so stubborn. I can't even speak, you are arguing before I even open my mouth. I'm giving you the answer. Just listen. SHUT UP. Listen. Light will shine in darkness. Light will shine in darkness. Open your heart, let me clear out the gunk. I will not lead you astray. I will never leave you.

Wow. I was attentive this afternoon. It doesn't mean I completely see every parallel, and I have theological questions about where this all goes once we find our common ground and we all know Jesus is the way. But, wow. How awesome. God is good. All the time. I think I know everything. I think I've got it, I, I, I. Me. Me. Me. Jesus? Jesus? Jesus. What do you think is more important?

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righeous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: we know it by the Spirit he gave us."
1 John 3:11-24

Ishmael was Isaac's brother. Ishmael is the father of Islam. Ishmael received the promise of blessing and Isaac received the promsie of the covenant. Isaac is supposed to bless Ishmael with the covenant but Israel didn't share the covenant even though it was for all. However, Ishmael's descendents are uniquely prepared to understand the Gospel becaused they are promised blessing, and they have a common ancestry with Israel. If we really believe what we proclaim, are we loving our brothers and sisters? Are we bringing them to the Kingdom? Will they know us by our love? Do they know us by our love? I pray that God breaks the barriers, and convicts our hearts.

Heavenly Daddy, show us the kingdom. We're lost. Jesus is the way. The only way. I ask for guidance, for peace, for grace, mercy and love to overflow on our people, and on Muslims. I pray for openness for your power and love to FALL. Fall and set our hearts ablaze for the One true God, Jesus Christ. Amen.

P.S. We Are The Sound--The Afters, check it out. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/afters/wearethesound.html

angry koala.

2010-06-01T22:08:00.006-04:00

Welcome to Pittsburgh/Ambridge, Pennslyvania.

Last Saturday my parents and I took the trek up to Pittsburgh with probably almost everything I own in order to move into the Josiah Project house in Ambridge. Suffice to say, after the stress of getting settled and finding our way through the steel city, God was good. The house is awesome :) It's small, and humble--a perfect place for sleeping and eating (which is about the only thing I've done in it so far).

Saturday I was welcomed by the Rock the World guys--Whis and some other kids showed me around the surrounding area and then I was welcomed at a really sweet get-together. A group of us ate some burgers, and celebrated the safe journey, the beginning of summer and the fellowship that God has given us. We worshipped too--that was probably my favorite part. I really felt like part of a body. People I didn't even know were welcoming and enjoyed having me take part in such an intimate worship session. Such a blessing :).

Sunday, I went to St. Phillip's church in Moon. Great people, and I was invited to come sing with their worship band on Saturdays and Sundays :) God is soo goood!

I've been doing some orientation talks, just to get acquainted with ministry life and learning the lay of the land. Super insightful, lots of Jesus--not so much like a classroom talk. I'm not a big fan of lectures, but this is more of a "one-on-one" conversation where the Holy Spirit has begun to move.

Interruption: Just as an aside: I've felt a strong move of the Spirit since I've moved in. Rachel and I (my housemate) have decided that we really want to change one of the rooms into a prayer room. It actually might end up being this huge closet that connects to my room. I think it would be sweet. I have yet to snag photos of Ambridge and the house, but I'll try to take enough pictures in order to give you all a virtual tour. Anyway, the people here really have a heart for the Lord and have discerned what it is He wants. It's refreshing and encouraging.

Sunday is also "home church" day. Basically our house is the location for a bunch of other college-age kids to come and have fellowship on Sunday nights. We do an East African Bible Study (if you want to know how it works/what it is just comment), and some worship. It's pretty cool.

As I've gone through the past couple of days I'm realizing how much Christ has really been absent from my daily life. This internship has already changed how I interact with my Savior. Of course prior to arriving I had daily/weekly devotionals and I go to a Christian school which doesn't hinder my fellowship, but this is different. I'm constantly surrounded and have had an influx of the Lord's love (or at least, I'm more aware of it). I find myself constantly praying even if it's not for food or for someone else, but the other day I was in a grocery store and I looked down the aisle and just ended up praying for the person looking for bread. I'm not sure why. I just silently said a prayer for them. Maybe the next stage is to engage. Crazy, right?

Anyway. Yesterday we watched a Memorial Day parade in the Sewickly area which was great. I love that community. Everyone is so invovled! It was actually more like a throwback to a sort of "I Love Lucy" scene. Yay for 1950s? Also, Mary and Whis continue to bless us with providing brunch and lunch and dinner and all kinds of great fellowship. God is truly working through them to reach the younger generation. (Just an FYI, Whis is the current director for Rock the World and Mary is his wife). Also, Whis, Rachel, Cesiah (another RTW-er), and I traveled to Annapolis, MD for sailing school. We're learning a lot about each other, working as a team and of course about boats.

Today was our first sailing adventure. After about 30 mins of a basic explaination of sailing terms and one demonstration of a knot we were off in a sail boat. I was actually sort of shocked that we went out so fast. The weather was gorgeous for the first sail--sun, no clouds, perfect temperature and of course good wind. We learned to tack, and gybe and steer the tiller. I'm not sure that any of those terms mean anything to you but I can tell you that sailing for the first time is both an exhilarating but nerve-racking experience. Even though I'm somewhat proficient in swimming, the thought of capsizing (which I was assured could never happen because whatever was under the boat weighed 310920958230 pounds) freaked me out nonetheless. When we first got going and figured out where the sails were supposed to go in reference to the wind one side of the boat nearly grazed the water. Of course, my first reaction is to stand up, give a little squeal and run to the other side of the boat. Somehow the instructor didn't quite share in my reaction.

Overall though, once we got the hang of it, it was pretty sweet. We spent most of the day on the water. Missed a few thunderstorms and ran into a couple (not on the water of course).

I would have to say that my high point for the week would be that I'm experiencing all of these new things in a different way than I thought possible. My reaction and attitude towards new attractions and some old ones have definitely changed. I'm thankful that God is bringing my heart back to a place of praise and thanksgiving.

Yahweh, holy is Your name.
Your love is strong
I will exalt Your name forever
You always amaze me.

Matthew 18:21-35--God is teaching me how to love those as He loves them, not as how I might find a way around their imperfections to "put up" with them.

God is good, and His plan is perfect. It should amaze us that He has so many different things in mind that all happen at the same time. What a guy!

set in motion

2010-05-28T23:13:00.002-04:00

12 hours.

Typically, besides the Bible and God himself, the musical talents of others seems to touch my heart quite a lot. A song that I've meditated on for quite a while is one called "My Sweet Escape" by Run Kid Run.

This week has been somewhat trying--what with the excitement of Josiah Project beginning and the craziness that organizing all the details entails. God is good, and I'm learning to be patient and wait on the Lord. I'm so excited for the things He has. Tomorrow I travel to Ambridge, PA to start with Rock the World and the Josiah Project--a journey that God has been planning for a long time.

I find myself sometimes wondering (even though I already know the answer, but somehow can't wrap my mind around the idea) how God knew exactly what I was going to do, or what kind of opportunities He would put in front of me just to see the joy on my face when I understand how amazing His plan really is. Who would have thought that this is where I would be today? I know 4 years ago, as a mere sophomore out of high school, I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do with my life; additionally, I was pretty positive my eyes were DEFINITELY not focused where they are now. I'm amazed.

This life is short, a spec in the dunes of time. But let's be honest, who wouldn't want to spend it the way God planned it? After the past couple of months of learning and leaning on the Lord, I don't know that I could have it any other way. I'm definitely ill-qualified to be the ultimate planner of my own life. Thanks for putting it all together in ways I couldn't fathom, father. You are so wonderful. I live to praise your goodness forever.

Give Him the glory for He is GOOOOOD!

Take a looksie--

this is it, confidence is all i need
this is how you're going to save me from myself
from all that fails
i see you and me and everything in between
and i know i'm wrong but you long to
fuel the fire beneath these tired bones

as i dance this road back to you
a place of sweet escape i fell into
my everything will always sing your glory

progress, i confess is way overdue
i've been caught up in the things that i've held onto
for too long i've been alone
i'm stronger every step i take

back to you
run back to you
a place of sweet escape i fell into

a familiar taste you have made inside this refuge i can't create
all back to you
a place of sweet escape, i fell into your glory, your glory

sing hallelujah, i'll forever sing to lift you up
sing hallelujah, i'll forever sing to lift you up
you are my king
you are my king

matthew: 19:13-15

let me be clear

2010-05-21T22:36:00.002-04:00

in addition to my first post for the day, let me clarify something.

god doesn't need me. but the greatest thing is that i know he's chosen me to be a part of his divine plan. acts 17:25 "and he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else."

i feel blessed beyond all things that the god of heaven and earth has designed me to fit and work in his creation for the glorious victory of his kingdom. wow. even through my selfishness and brokenness, this is what i was designed for. this is what god is giving me. he doesn't need to. he wants to.

i'm floored. hallelujah indeed.

honesty check.

2010-05-21T21:36:00.004-04:00

[8 days.]

it's easy to say that we fall in love with god. but the truth of the matter is, day to day life seems to hide that for me. only since being home have i realized how truly caught up i am in the busy-ness that occupies so much of my time. what do i even do? shouldn't i be worshipping my creator with every breath i take? i can see how life can become purposeless without a savior or without someone and something to live for.

i'll be the first to admit that college, culture, sports, relationships, and the general splendor of this world has caught me. i've been rooted in a net that has held me at bay. away from my savior and from the awesomeness that he has created and planned for me. the saddest part is that even through the realization of it now i know i'm in the wrong, but i don't feel it. satan has figured out the best way to catch me. i'm so concerned about getting the good grades, being the fastest, playing the part of the 'best' christian, not doing the wrong things, and generally pleasing those around me. through it all--even though some of these things are good, there is clearly a selfish motive. i'm looking to satisfy myself through merit or conquering 'temptations'. but really all that i've done is just tried to keep out of the red. i'm trying to save myself from eternal damnation. is that what i should be doing?

god's grace is awesome. he has saved me through his son. he is wonderful and has given me this life. shouldn't i be over myself? come on, seriously? i'm concerned about how fast i'll go in the next meet, or making a good shot, or getting an A in a class. what is wrong with this picture? i'm doing the bare minimum when it comes to god. he's given and given and given. and i've taken and taken and taken.

this summer isn't about redeeming myself. i don't want it to be. of course i want to redeem my bad behavior that has plagued my relationship with christ, but i don't think that god wants me to work myself up and to grovel. he knows i'm broken and lost. the funny thing is i think he wants me to show that i'm sorry and lost and broken by living out the life he's laid out. i want this summer to be about me doing what god has called me to do. i want this to be about finding the heart of the father. learning to love back. since when have i actually loved? people say a relationship is about giving and taking. who coined that? shouldn't it be about giving? god gives. i give back. i accept with loving arms the gifts he's given--but in doing so, i accept by extending those gifts to others. i'm so angry that i've fallen into the trap.

oh god, your mercies are new every morning. break my heart for you, and show me how to love. show me to step out of my selfishness and my conceit. i want to be lost in your love. i want to love with wreckless abandon. you are the king, not me.

francis chan has written an amazing book, crazy love. i've been slowly going over the saturated pages, realizing that it will take me so much time to dissect what he's saying. he nails my sin on the head. of course, god shows me mercy, and is good. this is what i read today:

"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together...The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there? How many of us will read these words and say, 'you know, I just might be okay with that'? if you are as deeply in love with God as you think you are, you know you could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ."

i pray that my faith and my relationship don't get so low as to want a heaven without a Christ.

wouldn't you know--this was also in my devotionals today:

"These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachigns are but rules taught by men...Don't you see that whatever enters teh mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander." Matthew 15:8-9, 17-19

lord, i seek after you. i seek to love you, and give to you. set my heart ablaze for you and what you want.

hello hurricane

2010-05-18T23:22:00.001-04:00

here goes...

this summer i'm diving into a brand new adventure. god has been so good. i've been given the opportunity to learn and to serve in different contexts and atmospheres that will surely shape the life i hope to lead someday. the countdown is on. in 11 days i will be embarking upon all sorts of challenges and blessings from our sweet father. this summer is about learning and trusting the lord. rock the world has given me the chance to work in urban, youth and cross-cultural missions this summer. i'm pumped for every part of it! i'm stepping away from the usual summer experience--a swim coach/summer camp counselor. i won't even be training for next season this summer (which is also a crazy new experience all in itself). i'm on the edge and i'm ready to go!

this is my blog--so you can follow what i'm doing this summer. i would really appreciate your prayers and any financial gifts you can offer me--i'll most likely still be fundraising throughout the summer. you can give online at rock the world's website http://www.rocktheworld.org/, selecting the josiah project as the donation type--be sure to put AF17 in the memo line!

now that the logistics are out of the way, i'd like to share. i've been listening to a lot of switchfoot lately and this song has just hit me hard. this is what i hope to learn this summer--and really, for the rest of my life. i hope this helps you a little too. thanks jon foreman. you're a pretty sweet dude.

i've been watching the skies
they've been turning blood red
not a doubt in my mind anymore
there's a storm up ahead

hello hurricane
you're not enough
hello hurricane
you can't silence my love
i've got doors and windows boarded up
all your dead and fury is not enough
you can't silence my love

everything i have i count as loss
everything i have is stripped away
before i started building i counted up theses costs
there's nothing left for you to take away

hello hurricane
you're not enough
hello hurricane
you can't silence my love
i've got doors and windows boarded up
all your dead and fury is not enough
you can't silence my love

this is the anthem of my soul. that nothing will be able to silence my love for the lord or for his people. this is what i pray that god will show me this summer, and for the rest of my life. how to expect the unexpected attacks and to stand firm. to show that nothing can silence my love--or Christ's love for the lost. this is where we're headed. there's a storm up ahead--will you let it silence your love?

matthew 4:19-22