This blog was originally meant to be a way for me to connect with people as I went abroad for missions, but I've recently felt that some of my thoughts and daily struggles should be shared with others. Being a part of the body means being able to be vulnerable with others and honest about what goes on in our lives. So, after some thought and prayer that's what this blog will become until the Lord sends me elsewhere.
I've recently graduated from college and moved back to my hometown right outside of DC. I can't tell you how much of a struggle it has been to come back to a place that hasn't been home for what seems like a long time. I haven't really lived here since I was in high school...which isn't a long time, but I think what is really the most difficult thing to grapple with is not having the friendships and the support system I had in college. Walking and driving around my hometown has sent me down memory lane...some good and some not so good.
Today I had the unfortunate experience of being flooded with the excruciatingly painful memories of a failed relationship. To be honest, part of me had no desire to come back to this area because of that relationship. I'm obviously still an emotional mess from what happened. I'm not a desperate basket-case by any means, but there is something that won't stop nagging me about that whole thing. It's funny, once you leave a place you think you'll be getting rid of your problems or that you'll be able to recover from whatever mistakes you made as long as you're far away...so much for that.
I've learned so much about the love of the Father in the past few years and I know that God has created me for a specific purpose. It's so strange that things like this can throw us off track so easily. I didn't really want to blog about this, because it sounds silly and angsty, but it's something I've been struggling to let go of, and maybe someone out there will read this and see that they aren't the only ones who look like they have it together but are sort of icky on the inside--and if there isn't anyone, maybe you'll read this and just feel like you can be vulnerable with someone.
Although this isn't my deepest, darkest secret or anything it's something that I choose not to talk about even though I have a very open and honest personality. Like I said earlier though, part of being the body and being Christ to each other is being able to humble ourselves, let go of our pride and ask for help. A friend of mind sent me a letter the other day with this verse attached: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16
I harbor a lot of bitterness and probably deal with a lot of trust issues because of what happened, but I want to move forward and I want to love others as Jesus loves them. I can only do that with the love of Christ in me and the release of the things of the evil one. It's about time I let go of all the junk that has held me down for so long.
Thank you Holy Spirit for your unfailing love and compassion for us. Thank you for your grace and peace which surpasses our knowledge and understanding. I ask that you would cover my heart and heal the wounds that have been festering for far too long. Help me to see others as you see them and to release my bitterness and unforgiveness not just in this area of my life but in all areas of my life--so that your joy and patience will overflow everywhere. I pray that this would be the cry of our hearts as we all have some wounds that seem to never go away. Lord, fill the holes that are so deep in us and help us to seek you in times when our hearts hurt. We love you.
