This week's lectures focused on sin, repentance and the cross. Pause. Did that just make you cringe? I know when I read the lecture titles for each week of this phase of my DTS I was a little shaken by this particular one. It's pretty obvious that nobody likes to talk about their sin, but why is that? Are we ashamed of what we've done? Do we think that God can't really forgive us? Are we plagued by what we think others will say if they find out? Do we hide behind guilt and addiction? Unfortunately, I think for most Jesus followers, including myself, all of the above are true. But maybe we weren't meant to feel these things, maybe there actually is freedom from guilt and shame. Maybe, just maybe, we can learn that God not only loves us, but He actually likes us. What a concept. The God of the universe, the Creator of all things, the one who spoke the earth into existence actually enjoys who I am? Let me tell you about my week:
We had an amazing speaker from Tauranga, New Zealand. Josh Cole came to give us his amazing revelations from God about who we are. He first spoke about why we sin--which at first I thought was pretty obvious. The typical, "we're sinful human beings and we like to do naughty things because of our fallen nature, blah, blah" came into my head. I quieted my prideful self and began to listen. Basically, there are seven longings of our hearts--longing to be enjoyed, a longing to be fascinated, a longing for beauty, a longing for greatness, a longing for intimacy (without shame), longing for whole-heartedness, and a longing to make a deep and lasting impact. God placed each of these longings in our hearts to be fulfilled only by Him. However, because their is fallen human nature, and we were created for pleasure (pleasing God), we end up seeking pleasure in the wrong place. Each of these longings can find it's counterfeit in nature--a temporary answer to an eternal longing. When our longings aren't fulfilled in the context of the gospel we get pain. We get so used to life this way that we begin to truly and deeply believe the lies of the enemy--that this is all we get and that God really doesn't care about us. "He would fix it if He really loved me. Maybe I'm just not good enough for God, or maybe I've done something so atrocious that it really can't be forgiven. I should just give up now."
What kind of thought pattern have we put ourselves into? Who in the world EVER tells you that you're not good enough? We've inherited this orphan spirit that came into the world when Adam and Eve discovered shame. Why should I be ashamed of anything? Where did that come from? Is that a gift from God? Wasn't that the first thing that happened when Adam and Eve at the fruit of the tree? Shame? Clearly, shame was not in existence at the dawning of creation.
Backtrack for a second. So, we get this teaching about the longings of our heart, and how shame enters the world and then all of a sudden the gears shift. Ok, so what does Jesus have to do with any of this? I often think about the real message of the gospel--that God sent His only begotten Son to the world, to die for us so that we can have eternal life. Everybody learns that one in Sunday School, or wherever, but do we really get it? I've often felt that these were just words--what does that even mean? When we sin our default reaction is to run away from God because we think He won't love us or that we can't be forgiven, but the really deep part of the gospel is that the Cross allows us to run the opposite direction when we sin. The cross is the invitation for us to run INTO the arms of Jesus. And yet, the devil has tricked us into believing that we are rotten humans who deserve hell. While that may have been true prior to Jesus, it is no longer true. The good news of the gospel--which I'm not sure I still really know deep in my heart--is that Jesus has always wanted me. No matter what I've done. God has an aversion to sin, but not to people. Jesus is the lense through which God sees us. "The currency of the Kingdom of Heaven is completely opposite the currency of the natural." That means that Jesus paid once. He paid for the shame of the act, in addition to the act itself.
Whether or not this makes sense to you is slightly irrelevant to the story I want to share with you. If you're reading this blog then you probably already know a lot about me. I've grown up a Christian, but I would say my faith has mostly been a luke-warm faith. I operate with an orphan spirit. I believe that God has called me to the nations, but I don't really believe that He loves me (or even likes me) most of the time. I believed more in the suffering part of being a Christian than the true joy that comes with loving God. And why wouldn't I believe in the suffering? As a defense mechanism I believed that if I didn't hope for the best then I wouldn't be disappointed. If I believed that God could really move mountains, and they didn't move, then I would be crushed. Herein lies my orphan spirit. I believe, but not enough--which is to say, not at all. When first looking to apply to YWAM Oxford, after more than a year of planning it, I didn't want to come. I was too afraid of the amount of money I had to fundraise, too afraid that God wouldn't come through--that I would have to sacrifice. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind sacrificing, but I know I wouldn't have had the money for all of it by myself. Yet, God surprised me and blessed me to come here--without me paying almost a single cent. And I am truly grateful. But the story of my freedom came this week.
I've never believed that I was ever good enough. I believed I was the ugly duckling, and to some extent I felt that it was confirmed through a number of circumstances in academics, relationships, swimming, and a slew of other things. Needless to say, I thought that my sin, my unbelief, my lack of trust (or fear), were what kept me from God. While sin may keep us from God it does NOT keep Him from pursuing us (a fact I found hard to believe). I have carried a deep shame in my life for a long time that I never thought I could talk about or ever be forgiven for. At one point this week, Josh called us out on the sin of unworthiness. He prayed for us and all of a sudden, the feelings of ugliness, pride, unworthiness, and abandonment dissipated. I stood on a chair and began to cry out that I was God's favorite one. I stood on a chair and watched as my brothers in Christ knelt before me and my sisters and apologized for every time something was stolen from us and committed to protecting and affirming us. I stood in front of my team as each person looked up at me and told me how beautiful, remarkable, and unique God has made me. My world shattered. The lies and the cyclical thoughts of never being good enough, never being beautiful began to crash. Strongholds came down. I was told the next day that my face literally looked different. I began to believe that God actually liked me, despite my insecurities. I began to believe that I really could change the world with His help.
Yesterday, I stood before my family at Oxford and confessed my deepest, darkest secrets. I confessed and repented of the most grievous of sins I've committed. I forgave those who have wounded me deeply, and I cried out with whole-hearted abandoned love that I was free. The cross is where I belong. Shame has no place in my life. Guilt has no power over me and I felt myself sprint as fast as I could into Jesus' arms. My hunger for God, righteousness, and holiness has increased to the point that I want nothing else. I could go wherever and whenever with nothing in my pockets, nothing on my back and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE that God will provide. I can confidently say that I am no longer an orphan. I willingly choose to operate in a different sphere.
This is love. Sin doesn't define me. The world doesn't define me. I don't even define myself. I am wrecklessly loved by the Most High and I fully believe it. I earnestly and genuinely pray that each of you who read this will find the freedom that God has given me and my team this week. I pray that we will begin to build the family of Christ and create a culture of honor amongst each other. I pray that you truly believe that God not only loves you, but likes you.
Be blessed, friends. Love to you all.
Amy
