coming alive

I must first give an apology to all those who have been patiently anticipating this post for the last few weeks. I am deeply sorry for not updating sooner. Discipleship Training School has proven to be more time-consuming and emotionally draining than was originally anticipated. So, forgive me if this update is a little much, but I'm going to try and explain what the Lord has been doing in my heart and soul in the last few weeks.

New Zealand is a beautiful place, full of lush landscapes and rich history and culture. I have become quite comfortable in the natural since coming here, but to be frank, my spirit has been ripped out of comfortability and thrown into a heart surgery. I feel that I must share these things because the glory of God and the power of testimony cover over all things and I believe that what God has been doing in me needs to be shared so that He can shine through.

I've spent the last few months trying to rediscover my purpose on this planet and what God really thinks of me. Honestly, I grew up trying to impress everyone--trying to be the best at all I've done, not only to make those around me proud of me, but also to gain some sort of inclusiveness with whatever people I could find. I've never felt secure about myself, even in all of the "accomplishments" and I've struggled with who I am and what I look like to others for the better part of my 23 years on this earth. I don't trust men because of how I think they view me, and I certainly don't believe that I'm good enough for relationships with most people. All that is to say that this season has been a time of growth, reinvention, and deep humility.

In the first few weeks I was presented with the Father Heart of God and Sonship--the idea that God actually does care about who I am, not what I can do or what I want to do. I was concerned at first that coming to YWAM in New Zealand was an insane adventure completely dependent on the prayers and finances of several other people. I thought, "Good gracious, why in the world is God having me come all the way out here, and why does it cost so much money? If I was a true missionary I wouldn't be asking this many people for this much money to go do some outreach. If I was a good missionary I would just go hole up in some African desert with orphans for six months and really do some good." Wow. I think we all want to be religious. We get this idea in our heads that God is the great I AM who only cares about how we live our lives and is completely absent from what we're thinking to ourselves. Here's the deal: God could care less about what I think is ministry and cares a whole heck of a lot more about how I relate to him. The amount of surgery that I've gone through since being here is a clear indicator of the lack of depth in my relationship with Him.

So, in understanding what I feel that God has called me to, I have released the idea that "this is what missions looks like" and I have come into an understanding of who I am to God. The rest just becomes a lifestyle of being a daughter of the High King. I spent a week in Nelson, New Zealand, which is at the tip-top of the South Island. My outreach team (I will explain that later) and I went to serve a church there. We spoke at youth group, and then to a life-cell group and then again at church on Sunday. I have never felt more like a daughter in a heavenly family than I did in Nelson. What was most impactful was the night spent with a life-cell group. The average age in this group was about 60. I shared a short testimony about how God has been pursuing me and healing deep wounds in my heart. The group came to life--they valued every word that I spoke, they cherished who I was and they accepted me and my experience as a great testament to who God is. I was blown away by the love of Christ in that place. What can a 23 year old really say to a group of people who have lived much longer and have much more wisdom? I have no idea, but somehow God used my life to impact theirs, and vice versa.

I returned to the YWAM base only to have my cages rattled a little more. I came here to understand the love of God and to grow in my relationship with Him so that I can love others the way that He loves them. Lordship was our next topic. Lordship is basically wreckless, whole-hearted surrender to God. It is the laying down of your dreams,  your ambitions,  your religious goals, your silly little habits, and even some future good desires. Some things are good for your life, but not all good things are life-giving things. I have a lot of "good" desires, like getting married. But, I know that I've placed that particular dream of mine ahead of my relationship with the Lord. I can honestly say that my hunger and thirst for who HE is has replaced my love for the gifts of the giver. I want to live in a place where I want to worship the giver and not the gifts that He gives. I don't want anything else to stand in the way of my relationship with Him.

We moved from Lordship into God's Nature and Character. Let's be honest; the last few paragraphs pretty much dictate who my God is...but I'll tell you anyway. I've learned to start looking in each person for the gold that God has put in them. If Christ dwells within us, then there is a bit of God's character and nature in each of us. I can learn more about who He is by sitting in your presence and listening to your heart than I ever could from some teaching. You are soooo important.

We moved from that into a week on Relationships--and how to work with the body of Christ. The biggest thing I've learned about this is creating a culture of honor. The church needs to learn to not be offended by the things that others do, but rather learn to love people as they are. I am the church. I need to learn to love people, and encourage them, and call out who they truly are. Living a culture of honor is affirming my roommate or loving the cashier at the supermarket. A culture of honor says that each person is unique and that their beings--not what they do or how they act--is important and the world needs their fragrant spice. I am a fragrant spice, and whatever person God has made me to be is worth giving to the world.

The intricate and intimate flow of these teachings have brought me to a place of true worship of the creator. They have taught me how to seek God, and seek Him truly--not out of religious duty  or religious affection. I have asked daily that God would create in me a pure heart; that He would create a desire to never be satisfied and to never lose my wonder in who He is and how He displays himself. I have asked the Lord for a deeper revelation of His love for me and for the world. And I've asked Him to change my heart of stone to one that melts at the sight of those He is longing for. I have asked to fall in love with Him so that my spirit begins to blurt out His-Story to those around me. God is faithful. He will not fall short when we ask Him to fill our spirits. He is a good God!

Although these things might not be the deepest revelations of my heart, there is certainly a lot more going on than I can explain in a short blog post, but I would encourage you to ask me via Facebook, or even through a comment if you want me to explain more. I want to share my story and the story that God is weaving through my life with all who want to hear--and even some who don't!

I will be leaving in the next week from New Zealand to travel to 5 countries to love on our wandering brothers and sisters. I have 5 other team members--Brandon, Nate, Tew, Erin, and Torhild. Our mission is to love those who don't know love and to speak life into those who are facing death. As God has put in us is immeasurable love, and as we are teeming over the brim with it, we are going out. We will be traveling to a few sensitive countries and would appreciate your prayers and support as we call out the gold in beautiful Asia.

I pray that you are all encouraged and that your hearts are full of the love of God. You are the great cloud of witnesses and you spur me on to seek God with all that I am. I am so blessed to know such wonderful people in my life and I thank you for pouring into me. I will try to update again soon--maybe a much deeper update than this one ;).

Free at last.

This week's lectures focused on sin, repentance and the cross. Pause. Did that just make you cringe? I know when I read the lecture titles for each week of this phase of my DTS I was a little shaken by this particular one. It's pretty obvious that nobody likes to talk about their sin, but why is that? Are we ashamed of what we've done? Do we think that God can't really forgive us? Are we plagued by what we think others will say if they find out? Do we hide behind guilt and addiction? Unfortunately, I think for most Jesus followers, including myself, all of the above are true. But maybe we weren't meant to feel these things, maybe there actually is freedom from guilt and shame. Maybe, just maybe, we can learn that God not only loves us, but He actually likes us. What a concept. The God of the universe, the Creator of all things, the one who spoke the earth into existence actually enjoys who I am? Let me tell you about my week:

We had an amazing speaker from Tauranga, New Zealand. Josh Cole came to give us his amazing revelations from God about who we are. He first spoke about why we sin--which at first I thought was pretty obvious. The typical, "we're sinful human beings and we like to do naughty things because of our fallen nature, blah, blah" came into my head. I quieted my prideful self and began to listen. Basically, there are seven longings of our hearts--longing to be enjoyed, a longing to be fascinated, a longing for beauty, a longing for greatness, a longing for intimacy (without shame), longing for whole-heartedness, and a longing to make a deep and lasting impact. God placed each of these longings in our hearts to be fulfilled only by Him. However, because their is fallen human nature, and we were created for pleasure (pleasing God), we end up seeking pleasure in the wrong place. Each of these longings can find it's counterfeit in nature--a temporary answer to an eternal longing. When our longings aren't fulfilled in the context of the gospel we get pain. We get so used to life this way that we begin to truly and deeply believe the lies of the enemy--that this is all we get and that God really doesn't care about us. "He would fix it if He really loved me. Maybe I'm just not good enough for God, or maybe I've done something so atrocious that it really can't be forgiven. I should just give up now."

What kind of thought pattern have we put ourselves into? Who in the world EVER tells you that you're not good enough? We've inherited this orphan spirit that came into the world when Adam and Eve discovered shame. Why should I be ashamed of anything? Where did that come from? Is that a gift from God? Wasn't that the first thing that happened when Adam and Eve at the fruit of the tree? Shame? Clearly, shame was not in existence at the dawning of creation.

Backtrack for a second. So, we get this teaching about the longings of our heart, and how shame enters the world and then all of a sudden the gears shift. Ok, so what does Jesus have to do with any of this? I often think about the real message of the gospel--that God sent His only begotten Son to the world, to die for us so that we can have eternal life. Everybody learns that one in Sunday School, or wherever, but do we really get it? I've often felt that these were just words--what does that even mean? When we sin our default reaction is to run away from God because we think He won't love us or that we can't be forgiven, but the really deep part of the gospel is that the Cross allows us to run the opposite direction when we sin. The cross is the invitation for us to run INTO the arms of Jesus. And yet, the devil has tricked us into believing that we are rotten humans who deserve hell. While that may have been true prior to Jesus, it is no longer true. The good news of the gospel--which I'm not sure I still really know deep in my heart--is that Jesus has always wanted me. No matter what I've done. God has an aversion to sin, but not to people. Jesus is the lense through which God sees us. "The currency of the Kingdom of Heaven is completely opposite the currency of the natural." That means that Jesus paid once. He paid for the shame of the act, in addition to the act itself.

Whether or not this makes sense to you is slightly irrelevant to the story I want to share with you. If you're reading this blog then you probably already know a lot about me. I've grown up a Christian, but I would say my faith has mostly been a luke-warm faith. I operate with an orphan spirit. I believe that God has called me to the nations, but I don't really believe that He loves me (or even likes me) most of the time. I believed more in the suffering part of being a Christian than the true joy that comes with loving God. And why wouldn't  I believe in the suffering? As a defense mechanism I believed that if I didn't hope for the best then I wouldn't be disappointed. If I believed that God could really move mountains, and they didn't move, then I would be crushed. Herein lies my orphan spirit. I believe, but not enough--which is to say, not at all. When first looking to apply to YWAM Oxford, after more than a year of planning it, I didn't want to come. I was too afraid of the amount of money I had to fundraise, too afraid that God wouldn't come through--that I would have to sacrifice. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind sacrificing, but I know I wouldn't have had the money for all of it by myself. Yet, God surprised me and blessed me to come here--without me paying almost a single cent. And I am truly grateful. But the story of my freedom came this week.

I've never believed that I was ever good enough. I believed I was the ugly duckling, and to some extent I felt that it was confirmed through a number of circumstances in academics, relationships, swimming, and a slew of other things. Needless to say, I thought that my sin, my unbelief, my lack of trust (or fear), were what kept me from God. While sin may keep us from God it does NOT keep Him from pursuing us (a fact I found hard to believe). I have carried a deep shame in my life for a long time that I never thought I could talk about or ever be forgiven for. At one point this week, Josh called us out on the sin of unworthiness. He prayed for us and all of a sudden, the feelings of ugliness, pride, unworthiness, and abandonment dissipated. I stood on a chair and began to cry out that I was God's favorite one. I stood on a chair and watched as my brothers in Christ knelt before me and my sisters and apologized for every time something was stolen from us and committed to protecting and affirming us. I stood in front of my team as each person looked up at me and told me how beautiful, remarkable, and unique God has made me. My world shattered. The lies and the cyclical thoughts of never being good enough, never being beautiful began to crash. Strongholds came down. I was told the next day that my face literally looked different. I began to believe that God actually liked me, despite my insecurities. I began to believe that I really could change the world with His help.

Yesterday, I stood before my family at Oxford and confessed my deepest, darkest secrets. I confessed and repented of the most grievous of sins I've committed. I forgave those who have wounded me deeply, and I cried out with whole-hearted abandoned love that I was free. The cross is where I belong. Shame has no place in my life. Guilt has no power over me and I felt myself sprint as fast as I could into Jesus' arms. My hunger for God, righteousness, and holiness has increased to the point that I want nothing else. I could go wherever and whenever with nothing in my pockets, nothing on my back and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE that God will provide. I can confidently say that I am no longer an orphan. I willingly choose to operate in a different sphere.

This is love. Sin doesn't define me. The world doesn't define me. I don't even define myself. I am wrecklessly loved by the Most High and I fully believe it. I earnestly and genuinely pray that each of you who read this will find the freedom that God has given me and my team this week. I pray that we will begin to build the family of Christ and create a culture of honor amongst each other. I pray that you truly believe that God not only loves you, but likes you.

Be blessed, friends. Love to you all.
Amy

"getting it"

I arrived in New Zealand on Saturday (or Friday in the States). We are a full 18 hours ahead, and a topsy-turvy switch of seasons. Here, summer is at its end, and life is beautiful. Everywhere you look you are surrounded by the beauty of majestic mountains and picturesque farmland. Oxford is a small town about 45 minutes from Christchurch. We were welcomed in on Sunday by a wonderful ceremony, which included a Maori Haka. Since then it has been a whirlwind of emotions, duties, and life changes.

My team consists of 6 other beautiful girls, and 7 awesome guys. We have 6 staff team members and it is an amazing group of people. I have to admit that on my 25+ hour travel to New Zealand I was very much nervous about this group of 19. I'm not too keen on spending six months with people I've never met before and trying to live out God's call for my life. But God has really been working on me in the last couple of days--showing me that I can learn from those who I wasn't too sure about and even embrace the challenge of a six-month, intimate stay with some far-away brothers and sisters. I happen to be the only person from the east coast of the U.S.--which makes for some fun differences, but this is a good learning experience.

Our first couple of teachings have been awesome and I'm so pumped to learn more about hearing God's voice for each of us and learning to seek Him in the intimate places. Recently, we've been learning about intercession and worship.

Coming from Grove City and having been a Biblical Studies major, I have to say, unfortunately, that I have an unhealthy chip on my shoulder. BOO. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't learned some of the things I learned in college as it makes me feel like I don't have to listen all the time--like I think I'm better because I've already "learned" this stuff. False. I haven't really learned anything. God is daily giving me new revelations as to what it really means to seek Him and approach His throne with confident reverance.

The first day of worship was an intimate experience. I fell in love with Jesus all over again. I released my anxieties about living in a community of strangers and I fell to my knees in adoration. I remember being younger and thinking I would never, EVER bow to Jesus or the cross because that was just not happening. And here, I find myself stumbling to keep my footing. I am becoming ravished by Him. Worship isn't just having great music or swaying to great beat, it's a place of total freedom and peace with my lover. I didn't get it, and I think there's still a lot of time for me to "get it", as the new phrase around here is "it's all a process". And they're right. This is a process. Our lives as a fragrant offering to Christ is a process. We don't always sound good, but we make a joyful noise. We don't always make the best choices, but when we don't we seek forgiveness and we want more of Jesus.

Intercession has become one of the coolest things I've heard about. I was never really much into prayer and all that business. Yeah, it's all well and good, but I never really thought that a child could ask their dad something with the expectation that Dad would change His mind. My prayers raised up on your behalf can change the heart of God. What an amazing revelation! Prayer is an AWESOME thing. All I want to do right now is sit in Daddy's lap and talk. I want Him to play with my hair as we joke about why He made the platypus or why He chose to breathe His life into us. I could sit there all day and just listen to His breathe. I would pray for you to sit into His lap and enjoy His presence.

I can see God moving, and I can feel the deepest parts of my heart are being reached. Things I never wanted to tell people, the struggles that have kept parts of me in the dark are starting to surface and I am being made new. This is bandaid phase, but there are others who are here, ready to apply all kinds of first aid to keep me on the mend and get me back up again to be repossessed by God. This is a season of growth. This is a season of reaching deep into my soul and getting the ickiest parts out. This is a season of refinement and going through the blaze to be perfected. I feel like a rock that is being chiseled. There will be times of breakage, but God is the great artist.

I pray that you are ravished by Him. That your worship is annointed and that the secret things of your heart are brought out and dealt with so that you can be as close to the Father as ever.

I want to be sculpted, molded, and possessed. I want to be the plethora of colors that engulf the canvas. I want to be spread so thin that the only thing I can fall on is Him. I want to fall in love. I want to fall so deeply in love that there is nothing else that I could possibly want in life. I want to live.

May God bring you through your times of trouble, and make the good ones as sweet as ever. May He whisper sweet nothings into your ear. May you be touched. May you never be the same. Amen.

the art of losing myself

I was probably 6 or 7 when I first stepped onto a balance beam. They told us that it was supposed to be hard to walk across it. Of course, even at 6, I accepted that as a challenge. I remember walking across that balance beam with ease and pride—I showed them! Now, years later, I’m sure the balance beam would be easy to cross, but the problem is no longer just walking across; it’s the tricks in the middle and the glorious dismount.

Oddly enough, there is some metaphorical significance in most everything we do, even walking across a balance beam in public school gym class as a kindergartner. Faith (or even life in general) can be likened to such an analogy. We get up with confidence and determination, ready to walk to beam. There is a wobble or two at first, and then we get into the swing of things and begin to tread with less caution. Perhaps, after a couple of steps we might turn around or lift up a leg—maybe, if we are so inclined, do a twirl or a more complicated acrobatic move. Then comes the slip-up in the middle of what appears to be a successful routine. What happens next? Do you fall? Do you lose balance but recover? Do you quit your parade of tricks and walk the rest of the way off the beam? Will you shrug it off? Will you maintain your cool?

My relationship with God is much like hopping onto a balance beam as a 6 year old: Excited anticipation as I began my journey. Confident and bold steps as I pursued Him and then a wobble and crouch to stagnate any hint of a fall to damnation. Then, slowly but surely, a rise to stand up for what’s right, and to pursue the call on my life. A few tricks to wow the crowds—to show that I’m serious about this whole thing and then, another stumble. My performance: rocky at best, and the skills are a joke. Who am I fooling? I’m no gymnast and this was a stupid idea, I should just give up before I make a fool of myself.  And yet, something keeps me on the beam. Everything in me would rather stop the dumb charade and jump off with a silly grin to return to the back of the line to watch others brave the apparatus.  But I can’t, or rather, I won’t. The will to stay on the beam is not innate. The will to continue a relationship that promises to be the most difficult and painful of your life is completely against anything in human nature, but we do it. We continue to persist—but is it us? Why is it that I can't seem to really get off the beam? Perhaps, the art of losing myself began long before I was conscious of the necessity to surrender.

The core of Christianity is not religion, service, compassion, hope, mercy or any of those other wonderful things. The true core of Christianity is reckless, selfless surrender to the Almighty. It is losing oneself and all the things that are desirable and important to a greater being. The call to be a Christian is more than I think any of us really understand. I’ve always heard that “becoming a Christian means to die to yourself.” What? Die to myself? That doesn’t make any sense. And here, my friends, is the balancing act: as a Christian you are to become so engrossed and intimate in your relationship with the father that there is no distinguishable difference between your character and His and that you walk that beam not of your own volition, but rather as a transparent reflection of God. Obviously, while we’re still on earth, this is quite difficult because I don’t think like God, nor do I act like God. I try to balance myself and God, and the two seem to be mutually exclusive, but they’re not supposed to be. I compartmentalize my life into two categories—Amy’s Business and God’s Business. While the two parts share enthusiasm in some things, the Amy part has a mind fully intended on the fleshly desires. Trying to please both parts becomes a chore and one side will always suffer. Unfortunately, the Amy side tends to be favored more often than not. Yet, the other side is the one that can encompass all things, and it is the side that has an eternal goal.

This is where I am. Caught in the wobble. Entangled in the fight between who I am as a human and who I am made to be as a daughter of the king. The flesh desires human intimacy both emotionally and physically, but the spirit is dissatisfied (Amy vs. God). Caught in the wobble of recognizing the real sacrifices of this divine relationship and deciphering the worthiness of it all. It doesn't get easier. The art of losing myself requires more than the physical body can surrender on its own.  The death of self is not quick and painless, but long and excruciating. We have good God-given desires, but those are not the “self” I speak of. I speak of the hindering “self”, the “self” that chooses to put the relationship on hold because something else “came up” or it’s more than one bargained for. The “self” that would opt out of a relationship because it gets messy and uncomfortable. The “self” that seeks to receive from a relationship and not give. The “self” that is full of hubris independence.

And so, I bring such conceit and vanity onto the beam so that it will be stripped when I take a tumble. The self is shaken off as I fumble across this life.  For as soon as I pick up my eyes from their focus on my feet, I see the end. I see the glorious dismount and the victory of my loss. My gaze is set, and the art of losing myself continues.

The next steps are to YWAM, but not without some hesitation or sacrifice. It’s not always easy, but my gaze is set.

Caught in the wobble but still on the beam. Losing myself, one step at a time.

do i really walk the walk?

Today, I opened up the book Radical by David Platt. After hearing him speak at Urbana, and after hearing a lot of hype about his book (which I knew would be good with such an intriguing title), and after reading tidbits of it, I decided to purchase it. Anyway, since Urbana I've been trying to hash out some of the things that make me feel uncomfortable about how I live out my faith. This is a pretty personal post, and I was debating whether or not I should post it--as I do with most of my posts--and considering my near-recent adventure across the world to explore Christ's call on our lives, I'm not sure that this will give anyone too much confidence in investing in me...but so be it. This is what I wrote in my journal after a pretty challenging statement made by Platt,

"Do you and I really believe that Jesus is so good, so satisfying, and so rewarding that we will leave all we have and all we own and all we are in order to find our fullness in Him? Do you and I believe him enough to obey him and to follow him wherever he leads, even when the crowds in our culture--and maybe in our churches--turn the other way?" -D. Platt

If I'm to be completely vulnerable and honest, I don't know know if I really believe that Jesus is the answer to everything. I get stuck in the self-sufficiency cycle. Maybe my heart isn't as restless about those who don't have Christ because on some level I believe that I've been able to make it without Jesus. I have prided myself on my abilities to hold my own and I've believed that Christ hasn't played a major role in my life. Instead, I believe that I am the protagonist in my life. And therefore, every other person is their own protagonist--but really, Christ is the protagonist in each of our lives--whether we want to believe it or not. As I think about all the people in the world who don't know Jesus, I don't feel as concerned as I know I should be. A good friend of mine practically spills his guts when he looks at the mere statistics of those who don't know Christ. I'm astounded at myself and my selfishness. I wasn't sure why my heart didn't ache for those who didn't know Christ, until I read this. God has pointed to my own pride as my downfall. 

It's not that I don't care about other people. I have an extreme passion to help those who are suffering or to be of service, but that's not enough. I know that's not enough. Jesus is demanding that I give everything that is in me to follow him. His call to us was to make Him known among the nations--but why would I want to do that? Maybe my own relationship with Christ has not been the most important one in my life, or perhaps, I'm not really sure about this whole thing. Nowadays, it's cool and hip to be selfless, and care about other people--all that social justice stuff. I know I'm not in it to look cool. I have a genuine interest (and have for some time) to change the world. But, maybe I wanted to change the world by myself, maybe I really wanted to be the hero of his-tory. What God wants of me is something that I don't think I can come up with on my own, but I've been trying to. God wants me to love Him. That doesn't sound so hard, right? I mean it's pretty easy to love somebody who has done everything for you, and laid down his life for me. And yet, my culturally-aware mind knows that I have nothing to give back and so I'd rather not receive what he freely gives. But, I've gone against all of the practical "barriers," and I've chosen to leave behind the selfish-me (even though I clearly struggle with that) and hide myself in Christ. It's a daily struggle to really die to myself and to the pride that keeps me from pursuing those whom He loves. 

So, herein lies the real problem: If I can't believe that my life is so interwoven in Christ then I can't in all honesty promote his priceless and worthy nature to another. I'm conditioned to think that I can do everything, and to some extent, that I'm expected to do everything on my own. Yet, Paul clearly states that all things are possible through Christ alone. So, anything that I have done or accomplished in my life is not a result of my efforts--long years of studying, or cold mornings with wet hair, hours swimming up and down the pool, money spent here and there, and time invested in all manner of things--is really a reflection of my selfish desires for recognition in something I love, but also something that I've made an idol. God has been gracious in allowing me to pursue these things (and even elevate them to a place above himself), and I believe he has given me gifts and has used me for his purposes in these places, but really, nothing I have done is a result of what I have accomplished. If left to my own devices, my human nature would make an utter and complete mess. Yet, maybe I've "lived" so long with Christ in me that I've taken Him and His gifts in me for granted--and I've mistakenly assumed that I'm the one who has accomplished anything. I'm sure that to anyone else it would appear as though I either have no self-confidence or I have a terrible amount of arrogance (and perhaps it is a little of both).

I guess after seeing how terribly unfaithful, distrusting, and selfish I am, my goal is to be so emptied of myself that I become a mere shell that holds in the pearl that is Christ. Maybe I've gotten too caught up in the existential questions of life and living for Christ, but I know that in the deepest part of my soul, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but Christ really is what is really satisfying and worth losing my life for. I desire nothing but Him and His heart, and a lifetime of pursuing that and nothing else is worth more than anything else. There isn't an explanation for it, but everything in my mind wants to make excuses to not do it. Luckily, those thoughts have dwindled to close to nothing and I am left with the resounding "Go!" even though I haven't figured it all out yet.

I pray that if you're struggling with something similar, or even something completely different, that God is gracious. He is more than patient and kind. My prayer is that He becomes the most worthy, satisfying, and rewarding thing that you ever encounter. 

mi vida entera

New Years are always full of resolutions--plans to better oneself, to achieve goals that have to this point been unattainable, plans to work harder and dream bigger for that thing you want so badly. As I began to contemplate this New Year on my way to work yesterday and the amazing things that lie ahead I was convicted by a very short advertisement on the radio: "Instead of trying to focus on the negative this new year, focus on the positive." How often do our resolutions involve something like losing weight, or not spending so much time watching television? We focus on the "cutting out" of things from our life rather than putting things INTO our lives.

As I have spent the last few months trying to trim some of the unhealthy "fat" in my relationship with Jesus, I'm determined to build some muscle this year. I spent the last week at a conference for college-age students interested in missions in St. Louis called Urbana. I was built up to dream big for God and to pursue His call on my life. I've always wanted to do missions, but the past few months have been more trying than I can say. I haven't pursued God or His kingdom like I should--in fact, it would be safe to say that I haven't pursued much of anything except worry and affirmation from the world about my career choice. Urbana challenged me to find my identity and worth in Jesus. What could possibly make me a better person than spending time with Jesus. I'm beginning to understand that our time is precious to God--whether we think it is or not. I entitled this blog post "Mi Vida Entera" which was the title of a song that rang so close to my heart at Urbana. It means, My Whole Life--but in Spanish it has a greater meaning than the English translation can convey. It means all of me, not just my life, but everything I live for, everything I believe in and the essence of my humanity. 

This New Year, and I pray, for the entirety of each New Year I am granted, that Mi Vida Entera would be spent caught up in the most mysterious, wonderful, and amazing love affair that mankind can fathom--a love affair with the Creator of Life. 

I spent some time with Jesus today by exploring a book by J.I. Packer called "Knowing God." In its first few pages Packer quotes C.H. Spurgeon about our exploration for this celestial being, 

"There is something exceedingly improving to the mind in a contemplation of the Divinity. It is a subject so vast, that all our thoughts are lost in its immensity; so deep, that our pride is downed in its infinity. Other subjects we can compass and grapple with; in them we feel a kind of self-content, and go our way with the though, 'Behold I am wise.' But when we come to this master science, finding that our plumbline cannot sound its depth, and that our eagle eye cannot see its height, we turn away with the thought that vain man would be wise, but he is like a wild ass's cold; and with solemn exclamation, 'I am but of yesterday, and know nothing.' No subject of contemplation will tend more to humble the mind, than thoughts of God...But while the subject humbles the mind, it also expands it. He who often thinks of God, will have a larger mind than the man who simply plods around this narrow globe...The most excellent study for expanding the soul, is the science of Christ, and Him crucified, and the knowledge of the Godhead in the glorious Trinity. Nothing will so enlarge the intellect, nothing so magnify the whole soul of man, as a devout earnest, continued investigation of the great subject of the Deity. And whiles humbling and expanding, this subject is eminently consolatory. Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; and in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for ever sore. Would you lose your sorrow? Would you drown your cares? Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead's deepest sea; be lost in his immensity; and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated. I know thing which can so comfort the soul; so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief; so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead."

And to this, I give mi vida entera. Will you take the plunge with me?

created by Love, to love, and from love

the past few weeks have been undeniably crazy. i had the idea that i would be moving back to virginia for a job that ended up never panning out. i've desperately been seeking a different job and have had a few dead ends.

i find that i catch myself thinking in a perpetual depressive cycle. on my way back from an interview or from something that didn't work out or even hoping that something did work out i drive and think to myself these exact things: "i have nothing to offer anybody, i spent my time in college taking so many classes and swimming so many hours and now, it doesn't even matter. everything i've done has been a waste and i don't know how to live in the real world. i'm a hopeless case. i don't understand why god has put me here or what i'm supposed to do and if missions is the right thing for me." and then of course, the whole conversation in my head turns to my worthlessness not just as a member of society but rather as a human--the age-old "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i should just go eat worms." the pity party is a defense mechanism and partially a "truth" of what i really think of myself despite what everyone else thinks. i'm always afraid of getting hurt or putting myself out there only to realize that i'm the only one and that i am literally a waste or that there really is nothing good about me.

i read the bible. i know what it says. i'm not an idiot. but there seems to be a disconnect between what my head understands and what my heart intimately knows. it's a struggle to really get down to the heart and believe in earnest that i do have some worth and that i am created for a purpose that will glorify the creator of the universe. to think that i could give pleasure to an almighty being is an insane concept that doesn't seem to make logical sense--so i then decide to try the human logic and go into my depressing thought cycle. i wonder sometimes if i'm the only one who thinks these things and if it's possible to overcome the feelings of loneliness. i think what's been the hardest thing since getting out of college is the feeling that there isn't a handbook to life. it's exciting but completely terrifying. you plan your life, or you plan part of your life, or you do what everybody else is doing (going to grad school and getting a job), and you think that's what you're supposed to do. all of a sudden, everything is stripped away and there is nothing to grasp--and then the worry sets in. what the heck are you going to do with yourself? how will you pay bills or fundraise? what will people think when you tell them you have a college degree (and of course you don't have a masters) and you don't have a job--or that your experience is so minimal that nobody will want you?

these are the questions that have infected and diseased my thoughts. i spend time trying to find volunteer things or coaching or whatever else to keep myself busy so i don't think about this. i want to say that i honestly trust god to do what he needs to do to get me where he wants me, but goodness is this not what i thought was going to happen.

last week, in my desperation, i applied for a couple of nannying jobs, and then also applied to a temp agency. it ended up that on wednesday i found out both the nanny position i applied for and the temp agency wanted me. finally, something. so, that is where i have been--working some really long hours, but at last a job, and time to start fundraising for the journey ahead.

i'm not always talking to myself like i'm depressed, but it is something that goes through my head as i drive. BUT to the real point of this blog: yesterday I was driving back from some swim lessons and i was contemplating existential questions of life and i had a revelation that i thought would be cool to share:

considering where my thought process goes sometimes i wondered about who i am and why did god create me. and of course, the bible response is immediate--because he loves you and everything he creates is good. ok. i get that. and then it dawns on me. god creates good things and he loves them. God is love, right? so the ultimate love created me, and my basic existence is meant for love--i'm made because God also wants to be loved. So, follow me so far-->created by Ultimate Love (God), for the purpose of loving Him in return because He first loved us. got it?

so then, as another part of my cognitive rantings i wonder about whether or not i'll ever find a man. and then the second part of this revelation hits me. god didn't want us to be alone, and he created both man and woman right? duh. but then this is where it gets super cool. we are made in the image of God, right? so that means that part of us has to be part of God...I for one am inclined to think that the only reason we can love is because God put that in us. so, when we are in an intimate relationship with someone else because we love them (i'm talking man and woman here) what is the product? we call the act of having sex "making love" don't we? so then that means my existence is the product of love from my parents. who loved each other only because God gave them that ability. so literally, my existence is completely contingent upon love. what?! i don't know if this makes sense to anybody else, but i'll put it all together:

I'm created by Ultimate Love (God), for the purpose of loving Him in return because He first loved us. (this is theological truth) Now comes the human side. So God creates us, wants us to love Him, but knows we need a human counterpart. God creates other sex humans so that we can share His love with them. In the most vulnerable and intimate human interaction LOVE is made and the product is another human. Love is lifegiving--both by God and by humans...literally. SO, created by LOVE, with the purpose of loving God and others, in loving/making love with one other person, passing the ultimate gift of Love to offspring. I am the product of God's Love in every way shape and form. I'm not just the product of my parents. I am part of Love. Part of God.

After having a few weeks of hopelessness, worry and worthlessness, this last bit of revelation completely blew my mind. Hopefully you understand what I'm saying and it blows your mind too.

May the peace of God carry you through whatever trials and joys are in your life now,
Amy