I must first give an apology to all those who have been patiently anticipating this post for the last few weeks. I am deeply sorry for not updating sooner. Discipleship Training School has proven to be more time-consuming and emotionally draining than was originally anticipated. So, forgive me if this update is a little much, but I'm going to try and explain what the Lord has been doing in my heart and soul in the last few weeks.
New Zealand is a beautiful place, full of lush landscapes and rich history and culture. I have become quite comfortable in the natural since coming here, but to be frank, my spirit has been ripped out of comfortability and thrown into a heart surgery. I feel that I must share these things because the glory of God and the power of testimony cover over all things and I believe that what God has been doing in me needs to be shared so that He can shine through.
I've spent the last few months trying to rediscover my purpose on this planet and what God really thinks of me. Honestly, I grew up trying to impress everyone--trying to be the best at all I've done, not only to make those around me proud of me, but also to gain some sort of inclusiveness with whatever people I could find. I've never felt secure about myself, even in all of the "accomplishments" and I've struggled with who I am and what I look like to others for the better part of my 23 years on this earth. I don't trust men because of how I think they view me, and I certainly don't believe that I'm good enough for relationships with most people. All that is to say that this season has been a time of growth, reinvention, and deep humility.
In the first few weeks I was presented with the Father Heart of God and Sonship--the idea that God actually does care about who I am, not what I can do or what I want to do. I was concerned at first that coming to YWAM in New Zealand was an insane adventure completely dependent on the prayers and finances of several other people. I thought, "Good gracious, why in the world is God having me come all the way out here, and why does it cost so much money? If I was a true missionary I wouldn't be asking this many people for this much money to go do some outreach. If I was a good missionary I would just go hole up in some African desert with orphans for six months and really do some good." Wow. I think we all want to be religious. We get this idea in our heads that God is the great I AM who only cares about how we live our lives and is completely absent from what we're thinking to ourselves. Here's the deal: God could care less about what I think is ministry and cares a whole heck of a lot more about how I relate to him. The amount of surgery that I've gone through since being here is a clear indicator of the lack of depth in my relationship with Him.
So, in understanding what I feel that God has called me to, I have released the idea that "this is what missions looks like" and I have come into an understanding of who I am to God. The rest just becomes a lifestyle of being a daughter of the High King. I spent a week in Nelson, New Zealand, which is at the tip-top of the South Island. My outreach team (I will explain that later) and I went to serve a church there. We spoke at youth group, and then to a life-cell group and then again at church on Sunday. I have never felt more like a daughter in a heavenly family than I did in Nelson. What was most impactful was the night spent with a life-cell group. The average age in this group was about 60. I shared a short testimony about how God has been pursuing me and healing deep wounds in my heart. The group came to life--they valued every word that I spoke, they cherished who I was and they accepted me and my experience as a great testament to who God is. I was blown away by the love of Christ in that place. What can a 23 year old really say to a group of people who have lived much longer and have much more wisdom? I have no idea, but somehow God used my life to impact theirs, and vice versa.
I returned to the YWAM base only to have my cages rattled a little more. I came here to understand the love of God and to grow in my relationship with Him so that I can love others the way that He loves them. Lordship was our next topic. Lordship is basically wreckless, whole-hearted surrender to God. It is the laying down of your dreams, your ambitions, your religious goals, your silly little habits, and even some future good desires. Some things are good for your life, but not all good things are life-giving things. I have a lot of "good" desires, like getting married. But, I know that I've placed that particular dream of mine ahead of my relationship with the Lord. I can honestly say that my hunger and thirst for who HE is has replaced my love for the gifts of the giver. I want to live in a place where I want to worship the giver and not the gifts that He gives. I don't want anything else to stand in the way of my relationship with Him.
We moved from Lordship into God's Nature and Character. Let's be honest; the last few paragraphs pretty much dictate who my God is...but I'll tell you anyway. I've learned to start looking in each person for the gold that God has put in them. If Christ dwells within us, then there is a bit of God's character and nature in each of us. I can learn more about who He is by sitting in your presence and listening to your heart than I ever could from some teaching. You are soooo important.
We moved from that into a week on Relationships--and how to work with the body of Christ. The biggest thing I've learned about this is creating a culture of honor. The church needs to learn to not be offended by the things that others do, but rather learn to love people as they are. I am the church. I need to learn to love people, and encourage them, and call out who they truly are. Living a culture of honor is affirming my roommate or loving the cashier at the supermarket. A culture of honor says that each person is unique and that their beings--not what they do or how they act--is important and the world needs their fragrant spice. I am a fragrant spice, and whatever person God has made me to be is worth giving to the world.
The intricate and intimate flow of these teachings have brought me to a place of true worship of the creator. They have taught me how to seek God, and seek Him truly--not out of religious duty or religious affection. I have asked daily that God would create in me a pure heart; that He would create a desire to never be satisfied and to never lose my wonder in who He is and how He displays himself. I have asked the Lord for a deeper revelation of His love for me and for the world. And I've asked Him to change my heart of stone to one that melts at the sight of those He is longing for. I have asked to fall in love with Him so that my spirit begins to blurt out His-Story to those around me. God is faithful. He will not fall short when we ask Him to fill our spirits. He is a good God!
Although these things might not be the deepest revelations of my heart, there is certainly a lot more going on than I can explain in a short blog post, but I would encourage you to ask me via Facebook, or even through a comment if you want me to explain more. I want to share my story and the story that God is weaving through my life with all who want to hear--and even some who don't!
I will be leaving in the next week from New Zealand to travel to 5 countries to love on our wandering brothers and sisters. I have 5 other team members--Brandon, Nate, Tew, Erin, and Torhild. Our mission is to love those who don't know love and to speak life into those who are facing death. As God has put in us is immeasurable love, and as we are teeming over the brim with it, we are going out. We will be traveling to a few sensitive countries and would appreciate your prayers and support as we call out the gold in beautiful Asia.
I pray that you are all encouraged and that your hearts are full of the love of God. You are the great cloud of witnesses and you spur me on to seek God with all that I am. I am so blessed to know such wonderful people in my life and I thank you for pouring into me. I will try to update again soon--maybe a much deeper update than this one ;).
