the past few weeks have been undeniably crazy. i had the idea that i would be moving back to virginia for a job that ended up never panning out. i've desperately been seeking a different job and have had a few dead ends.
i find that i catch myself thinking in a perpetual depressive cycle. on my way back from an interview or from something that didn't work out or even hoping that something did work out i drive and think to myself these exact things: "i have nothing to offer anybody, i spent my time in college taking so many classes and swimming so many hours and now, it doesn't even matter. everything i've done has been a waste and i don't know how to live in the real world. i'm a hopeless case. i don't understand why god has put me here or what i'm supposed to do and if missions is the right thing for me." and then of course, the whole conversation in my head turns to my worthlessness not just as a member of society but rather as a human--the age-old "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i should just go eat worms." the pity party is a defense mechanism and partially a "truth" of what i really think of myself despite what everyone else thinks. i'm always afraid of getting hurt or putting myself out there only to realize that i'm the only one and that i am literally a waste or that there really is nothing good about me.
i read the bible. i know what it says. i'm not an idiot. but there seems to be a disconnect between what my head understands and what my heart intimately knows. it's a struggle to really get down to the heart and believe in earnest that i do have some worth and that i am created for a purpose that will glorify the creator of the universe. to think that i could give pleasure to an almighty being is an insane concept that doesn't seem to make logical sense--so i then decide to try the human logic and go into my depressing thought cycle. i wonder sometimes if i'm the only one who thinks these things and if it's possible to overcome the feelings of loneliness. i think what's been the hardest thing since getting out of college is the feeling that there isn't a handbook to life. it's exciting but completely terrifying. you plan your life, or you plan part of your life, or you do what everybody else is doing (going to grad school and getting a job), and you think that's what you're supposed to do. all of a sudden, everything is stripped away and there is nothing to grasp--and then the worry sets in. what the heck are you going to do with yourself? how will you pay bills or fundraise? what will people think when you tell them you have a college degree (and of course you don't have a masters) and you don't have a job--or that your experience is so minimal that nobody will want you?
these are the questions that have infected and diseased my thoughts. i spend time trying to find volunteer things or coaching or whatever else to keep myself busy so i don't think about this. i want to say that i honestly trust god to do what he needs to do to get me where he wants me, but goodness is this not what i thought was going to happen.
last week, in my desperation, i applied for a couple of nannying jobs, and then also applied to a temp agency. it ended up that on wednesday i found out both the nanny position i applied for and the temp agency wanted me. finally, something. so, that is where i have been--working some really long hours, but at last a job, and time to start fundraising for the journey ahead.
i'm not always talking to myself like i'm depressed, but it is something that goes through my head as i drive. BUT to the real point of this blog: yesterday I was driving back from some swim lessons and i was contemplating existential questions of life and i had a revelation that i thought would be cool to share:
considering where my thought process goes sometimes i wondered about who i am and why did god create me. and of course, the bible response is immediate--because he loves you and everything he creates is good. ok. i get that. and then it dawns on me. god creates good things and he loves them. God is love, right? so the ultimate love created me, and my basic existence is meant for love--i'm made because God also wants to be loved. So, follow me so far-->created by Ultimate Love (God), for the purpose of loving Him in return because He first loved us. got it?
so then, as another part of my cognitive rantings i wonder about whether or not i'll ever find a man. and then the second part of this revelation hits me. god didn't want us to be alone, and he created both man and woman right? duh. but then this is where it gets super cool. we are made in the image of God, right? so that means that part of us has to be part of God...I for one am inclined to think that the only reason we can love is because God put that in us. so, when we are in an intimate relationship with someone else because we love them (i'm talking man and woman here) what is the product? we call the act of having sex "making love" don't we? so then that means my existence is the product of love from my parents. who loved each other only because God gave them that ability. so literally, my existence is completely contingent upon love. what?! i don't know if this makes sense to anybody else, but i'll put it all together:
I'm created by Ultimate Love (God), for the purpose of loving Him in return because He first loved us. (this is theological truth) Now comes the human side. So God creates us, wants us to love Him, but knows we need a human counterpart. God creates other sex humans so that we can share His love with them. In the most vulnerable and intimate human interaction LOVE is made and the product is another human. Love is lifegiving--both by God and by humans...literally. SO, created by LOVE, with the purpose of loving God and others, in loving/making love with one other person, passing the ultimate gift of Love to offspring. I am the product of God's Love in every way shape and form. I'm not just the product of my parents. I am part of Love. Part of God.
After having a few weeks of hopelessness, worry and worthlessness, this last bit of revelation completely blew my mind. Hopefully you understand what I'm saying and it blows your mind too.
May the peace of God carry you through whatever trials and joys are in your life now,
Amy
