honesty check.

[8 days.]

it's easy to say that we fall in love with god. but the truth of the matter is, day to day life seems to hide that for me. only since being home have i realized how truly caught up i am in the busy-ness that occupies so much of my time. what do i even do? shouldn't i be worshipping my creator with every breath i take? i can see how life can become purposeless without a savior or without someone and something to live for.

i'll be the first to admit that college, culture, sports, relationships, and the general splendor of this world has caught me. i've been rooted in a net that has held me at bay. away from my savior and from the awesomeness that he has created and planned for me. the saddest part is that even through the realization of it now i know i'm in the wrong, but i don't feel it. satan has figured out the best way to catch me. i'm so concerned about getting the good grades, being the fastest, playing the part of the 'best' christian, not doing the wrong things, and generally pleasing those around me. through it all--even though some of these things are good, there is clearly a selfish motive. i'm looking to satisfy myself through merit or conquering 'temptations'. but really all that i've done is just tried to keep out of the red. i'm trying to save myself from eternal damnation. is that what i should be doing?

god's grace is awesome. he has saved me through his son. he is wonderful and has given me this life. shouldn't i be over myself? come on, seriously? i'm concerned about how fast i'll go in the next meet, or making a good shot, or getting an A in a class. what is wrong with this picture? i'm doing the bare minimum when it comes to god. he's given and given and given. and i've taken and taken and taken.

this summer isn't about redeeming myself. i don't want it to be. of course i want to redeem my bad behavior that has plagued my relationship with christ, but i don't think that god wants me to work myself up and to grovel. he knows i'm broken and lost. the funny thing is i think he wants me to show that i'm sorry and lost and broken by living out the life he's laid out. i want this summer to be about me doing what god has called me to do. i want this to be about finding the heart of the father. learning to love back. since when have i actually loved? people say a relationship is about giving and taking. who coined that? shouldn't it be about giving? god gives. i give back. i accept with loving arms the gifts he's given--but in doing so, i accept by extending those gifts to others. i'm so angry that i've fallen into the trap.

oh god, your mercies are new every morning. break my heart for you, and show me how to love. show me to step out of my selfishness and my conceit. i want to be lost in your love. i want to love with wreckless abandon. you are the king, not me.

francis chan has written an amazing book, crazy love. i've been slowly going over the saturated pages, realizing that it will take me so much time to dissect what he's saying. he nails my sin on the head. of course, god shows me mercy, and is good. this is what i read today:

"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together...The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there? How many of us will read these words and say, 'you know, I just might be okay with that'? if you are as deeply in love with God as you think you are, you know you could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ."

i pray that my faith and my relationship don't get so low as to want a heaven without a Christ.

wouldn't you know--this was also in my devotionals today:

"These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachigns are but rules taught by men...Don't you see that whatever enters teh mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander." Matthew 15:8-9, 17-19

lord, i seek after you. i seek to love you, and give to you. set my heart ablaze for you and what you want.