do i really walk the walk?

Today, I opened up the book Radical by David Platt. After hearing him speak at Urbana, and after hearing a lot of hype about his book (which I knew would be good with such an intriguing title), and after reading tidbits of it, I decided to purchase it. Anyway, since Urbana I've been trying to hash out some of the things that make me feel uncomfortable about how I live out my faith. This is a pretty personal post, and I was debating whether or not I should post it--as I do with most of my posts--and considering my near-recent adventure across the world to explore Christ's call on our lives, I'm not sure that this will give anyone too much confidence in investing in me...but so be it. This is what I wrote in my journal after a pretty challenging statement made by Platt,

"Do you and I really believe that Jesus is so good, so satisfying, and so rewarding that we will leave all we have and all we own and all we are in order to find our fullness in Him? Do you and I believe him enough to obey him and to follow him wherever he leads, even when the crowds in our culture--and maybe in our churches--turn the other way?" -D. Platt

If I'm to be completely vulnerable and honest, I don't know know if I really believe that Jesus is the answer to everything. I get stuck in the self-sufficiency cycle. Maybe my heart isn't as restless about those who don't have Christ because on some level I believe that I've been able to make it without Jesus. I have prided myself on my abilities to hold my own and I've believed that Christ hasn't played a major role in my life. Instead, I believe that I am the protagonist in my life. And therefore, every other person is their own protagonist--but really, Christ is the protagonist in each of our lives--whether we want to believe it or not. As I think about all the people in the world who don't know Jesus, I don't feel as concerned as I know I should be. A good friend of mine practically spills his guts when he looks at the mere statistics of those who don't know Christ. I'm astounded at myself and my selfishness. I wasn't sure why my heart didn't ache for those who didn't know Christ, until I read this. God has pointed to my own pride as my downfall. 

It's not that I don't care about other people. I have an extreme passion to help those who are suffering or to be of service, but that's not enough. I know that's not enough. Jesus is demanding that I give everything that is in me to follow him. His call to us was to make Him known among the nations--but why would I want to do that? Maybe my own relationship with Christ has not been the most important one in my life, or perhaps, I'm not really sure about this whole thing. Nowadays, it's cool and hip to be selfless, and care about other people--all that social justice stuff. I know I'm not in it to look cool. I have a genuine interest (and have for some time) to change the world. But, maybe I wanted to change the world by myself, maybe I really wanted to be the hero of his-tory. What God wants of me is something that I don't think I can come up with on my own, but I've been trying to. God wants me to love Him. That doesn't sound so hard, right? I mean it's pretty easy to love somebody who has done everything for you, and laid down his life for me. And yet, my culturally-aware mind knows that I have nothing to give back and so I'd rather not receive what he freely gives. But, I've gone against all of the practical "barriers," and I've chosen to leave behind the selfish-me (even though I clearly struggle with that) and hide myself in Christ. It's a daily struggle to really die to myself and to the pride that keeps me from pursuing those whom He loves. 

So, herein lies the real problem: If I can't believe that my life is so interwoven in Christ then I can't in all honesty promote his priceless and worthy nature to another. I'm conditioned to think that I can do everything, and to some extent, that I'm expected to do everything on my own. Yet, Paul clearly states that all things are possible through Christ alone. So, anything that I have done or accomplished in my life is not a result of my efforts--long years of studying, or cold mornings with wet hair, hours swimming up and down the pool, money spent here and there, and time invested in all manner of things--is really a reflection of my selfish desires for recognition in something I love, but also something that I've made an idol. God has been gracious in allowing me to pursue these things (and even elevate them to a place above himself), and I believe he has given me gifts and has used me for his purposes in these places, but really, nothing I have done is a result of what I have accomplished. If left to my own devices, my human nature would make an utter and complete mess. Yet, maybe I've "lived" so long with Christ in me that I've taken Him and His gifts in me for granted--and I've mistakenly assumed that I'm the one who has accomplished anything. I'm sure that to anyone else it would appear as though I either have no self-confidence or I have a terrible amount of arrogance (and perhaps it is a little of both).

I guess after seeing how terribly unfaithful, distrusting, and selfish I am, my goal is to be so emptied of myself that I become a mere shell that holds in the pearl that is Christ. Maybe I've gotten too caught up in the existential questions of life and living for Christ, but I know that in the deepest part of my soul, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but Christ really is what is really satisfying and worth losing my life for. I desire nothing but Him and His heart, and a lifetime of pursuing that and nothing else is worth more than anything else. There isn't an explanation for it, but everything in my mind wants to make excuses to not do it. Luckily, those thoughts have dwindled to close to nothing and I am left with the resounding "Go!" even though I haven't figured it all out yet.

I pray that if you're struggling with something similar, or even something completely different, that God is gracious. He is more than patient and kind. My prayer is that He becomes the most worthy, satisfying, and rewarding thing that you ever encounter.